Internet Famous

by Insane Ian

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    Featuring the 22 track album, plus two bonus discs full of additional content.
    Discs One and Two: Internet Famous
    Disc Three: Internet Famous: IanPlugged
    Disc Four: Internet Famous: Ianstrumentals

    The cover art is a parody of the iconic "Final Fantasy VII" video game cover, as will the accompanying layout. Artwork by renowned artist Thor Thorvaldson (Nintendo Force, RETRO Magazine, album covers for Random AKA MegaRan, Beefy, and more).

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Hufflepuffs, Meet The Avengers, Borderlands, Die Hard Christmas, Under The Influences, Doctor Who, Internet Famous - IanPlugged, Internet Famous - Ianstrumentals, and 31 more. , and , .

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about

Internet Famous is Insane Ian's third full-length studio album, and it's almost too much album to handle! Featuring his exploration internet fame, internet misspellings, and internet nerd rage, as well as the usual songs about video games and TV shows. Tracks also include odes to canines, the decline of pop culture, vampires, apologies, and the 2013 Logan Award for Outstanding Original Song nominee, "Shut Up, Ian!" Featuring guest appearances by Paul & Storm ( paulandstorm.bandcamp.com ), Devo Spice ( devospice.bandcamp.com ), Schaffer the Darklord ( schafferthedarklord.bandcamp.com ), My Parents Favorite Music ( myparentsfavoritemusic.bandcamp.com ), the great Luke Ski ( lukeski.bandcamp.com ) and Chris Ballew of the Presidents of the United States of America ( www.presidentsrock.com )!

credits

released November 11, 2014

Produced by Benjamin Stahl and Insane Ian, except track 1 produced by Klopfenpop, and track 16 produced by Steffeny Messinger. All music performed by Ben Stahl, except track 1 by Klopfenpop, track 6 by Austin Aeschliman, track 13 by DJ Wes K, and track 16 arranged by Steffeny Messinger. All tracks mixed and mastered by Ben Stahl, except track 13 mixed and mastered by Steve Goodie, track 16 mixed and mastered by Steffeny Messinger, and track 19 mixed and mastered by Luke Sienkowski.

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Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God..." - Dr Demento (The Dr Demento Show)

“If you like video games and hiphop and you don't listen to Insane Ian...You're. Missing. Out.” - Mikey Mason (on The Funny Music Podcast)

"...the guy who's an even-geekier heir to the Weird Al throne..." - Jay Hathaway (URLesque)

Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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Track Name: Internet Famous - feat. Chris Ballew (of the Presidents of the United States of America)
Internet Famous by Insane Ian
Featuring Chris Ballew of the Presidents of the United States of America
This song is an interpolation, not a parody, of "Naked and Famous" by The Presidents of the United States of America.
Music recreated and produced by Klopfenpop, a Resident of the United States of America.

1)
I can't explain why I love the 'net so much
For entertainment, it's got the Midas Touch
Online shopping, games, cat videos,
streaming shows, ladies with no clothes
YouTube has replaced our MTV
We now download our tunes for free
Y'all love "Rap Battles of History"
Frontalot and Watsky, SO WHY NOT ME?
I had a few of my videos go viral
But not enough to have my whole career spiral
Out of control, or have my fame explode
I still have to pay my own way to shows
To stay so relevant takes so much work
Gotta stay in the public view like some 30 Foot Smurfs
My lust for fame is clearly quite evident
That's why I went and borrowed this riff from the Presidents

Chorus (Chris Ballew):
Ev'rybody wants to be Internet Famous
Ev'rybody wants to be just like me, I'm Famous! (X2)

2)
Now I'm not trying to say that I'm not well known
but no one knows my music in the town I call home
Well, that's not exactly true, there was that one time
"Aren't you that rapper from online?" asked in a drive-thru line
Been at this a long time but it feels like no one knows me
I've got a lot in common with the great Luke Ski
We both like to Rock about Spock and BioShock
So why are we not touring shows like Adam WarRock?!
We'll do anything to get our fan's attention!
Hell, we'll even put on our OWN convention!
I top the charts hosted by DJ Particle
But get a one-line mention in that Buzzfeed article
I try to stay vocal on all social media
But I would still kill for a page on Wikipedia
I'm always retweetin' about the games I have beaten
But tweet about a song and I get blocked by Wil Wheaton!

Chorus

3)
Don't get a nosebleed! Don't get upset!
I can't be Internet Famous just yet
There's a big gold dollar sign on my computer set
I will send my ass to YouTube and go pay my debt
If I want to go and rock more shows
I'll make more music videos!
I'll review games, I'll post 'em online
I mean, I plan to, I just gotta make time...
If fame's my aim, I'll keep to my schtick
Eventually this trick will stick
But if that won't work, one last escape
Put out my own comedy sex tape!

Chorus (X4)
I love my fans.
Track Name: Run This Game (featuring The Stacey and Devo Spice)
[Intro - The Stacey]

Friends are comin' over now
Can't be scared when it goes down
I'm addicted to this game
Dice and pencils all around
All show up except for one
His campaign we were to run
Only thing that's on my mind
Is who's gonna run this game tonight...
Is who's gonna run this game tonight...
We gonna run this game

[Verse 1 - Insane Ian]

Ian's
Gonna be the
DM
I'm the dungeon master
Gonna play all weekend
Gotta let the geeks in
They snack everything
Chex Mix, Cheese Nips
All snacks, everything
Gonna find the treasure chest
Ridin' on an epic quest
Got my lucky D6
If you ready, roll initiative
Boosting my charisma
I'll explain later
But for now let me get back to this paper
I got a couple stats down, now it's time that we attack
I gave Doug the motion, get the potion from his pack
I'm gonna roll me a
sixteen
Seventeen
Hell yeah
You know it's official
When I cast magic missile
Like a pistol

[Chorus - The Stacey]

Sometimes this game, it moves so slow
I read the rules but I don't know
So I keep doin' my own thing
Walkin' 'round in this campaign
Victory's within my grasp
All these spells I have to cast
Only thing that's on my mind
Is who's gonna win this game tonight
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
(Is who's gonna win this game tonight)

[Verse 2 - Insane Ian]

We roll
Yeah I said it
We roll
Gotta battle these trolls
Down a dark deep hole
Where ain't nobody goes
Please pass the Doritos
Mountainside prison
My bros fightin' these foes
We knows...
(Cough! Cough!)
We'll sneak past this jailer
And I...think
(Ah!)
I need my inhaler
On our feet we're screamin' at Gordon, read that engraving slow
As he walked over a trap and now he needs a saving throw (No!)
And he ain't earning XP
He should throw his sheet away
'Cause he lost all his HP... (Damn!)
Just to see what's down the hall
So we all grab our books and check the Monster Manual (Yeah!)

[Chorus - The Stacey]

Love this game but don't know how
We've played for nine hours now
Rolling dice with these dorks
Killing trolls and fighting orcs
Just when the game's 'bout to end
My older brother Tom walks in
Only thing that's on my mind
Is he's gonna wreck this game tonight
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
(And he's gonna wreck this game tonight)

[Verse 3 - Devo Spice]

It's crazy how you nerds keep playing this game
That you can't even see how much it is lame
Spending all day long on your campaign
Photos posted up at the big geek hall of fame
Dice rolling, Everybody LOL-ing
You should try to play a sport, maybe bowling
All you do is sit & talk about strolling
'least you're not LARPing, you silly frikkin' halfling
But I know that if I just walked past
And leave you geeks with the spells that you cast
I'd never get to say how much you are out classed
Can you see how you are to me by contrast?
I'm clearly more mature than you, look at my ass
And up top, unh...a thin moustache
Whle you hack and slash, I'll take your lunch cash
All your figurines look like junk trash
Look at all the miniatures carrying nice flags
I see what you're spending, I think I need an ice bag
Thirty dollars on dice? You need to check the price tags
You thought Crown Royal made dice bags!
Is that a wizard, huh? Man, your cloak reeks
He is a mage? What?! Look at these geeks
There's a troll down this hole
So much intrigue!
Now s'cuse me while I check my
Fantasy football league

[Closing - The Stacey]

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey
We gonna run this game tonight!
Track Name: I Hate My Job
I hate my job, it's so completely lame
I spend all day just listening to customers complain
They bring their stupid broken phones to me
They dropped it off the Chrysler Building with no warranty, well golly gee

I hate my job, the customers are dumb
They'll throw their broken phone away and expect another one
We can't exchange something that isn't there
But I explain it once again while ripping out my hair

They just can't see
What this job is doing to me!

Chorus:
I'm giving up retail
My job is full of fail
My soul is not for sale
Not even for ten bucks
That I'm paid by the hour
While customers grow sour
Feel dirty, need a shower
Man, my job really sucks

I hate my job, I'm knocking on your door
I travel up and down the street just like some kind of whore
But I'm not selling sex, just cable TV
That you already got rid of, so you close your door on me

So I knock and knock
But I can't make sales if you don't open up!

Chorus:
So I never make a sale
My job is full of fail
Walk through the rain and hail
Just for a couple bucks
And I'll never reach my goal
Unless I get on a roll
or maybe sell my soul
Man, my job really sucks

My new job
It's not great
I collect money from folks down on their luck
But at least
I have a job
in this economy, I guess my job doesn't suck
Track Name: Metroid
Fighting with these pirates 'cause they want to clone these aliens
I can't pass through some doors unless I use my missiles on them

All day long I shoot at things and try to not get killed and die
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find some code for extra life

Can you help me defeat Mother Brain?
Oh yeah

I need someone to show me the things in here that I can't find
I can't see the pathways marked here on my map, I must be blind

Tiny passage in a wall will make me turn into a ball
I drop bombs, somehow I'm fine, tho I worry about my spine

And so Samus wins the day, this bounty hunter fought bravely
But if the girl is Samus, then who the heck's Justin Bailey?
Track Name: I'm Sorry
Have you met my wife? Light of my whole life.
But she seems to see all the faults in me.

I can't make a move, arguments I lose.
Every single day, this is what I say:

I'm Sorry! - I left the toilet seat up
I'm Sorry! - I didn't take out the trash
I'm Sorry! - I left some milk in my cup
I'm Sorry! - and didn't wash out the glass

Dog ripped up the chair, I wasn't even there
But it's just the same, I catch all the blame

Says I am a jerk, made her late for work
But how can that be? She let before me

I'm Sorry! - I didn't clean off the grill
I'm Sorry! - I didn't turn off the lights
I'm Sorry! - that it raised our power bill
I'm Sorry! - I can't do anything right

I can't take no more, mess up every chore
Why'd she even ask me to do this task

Tore my brand new pants, I kill all her plants
I'm destined to fail, because I'm a male

I'm Sorry! - I got the carpets steam cleaned
I'm Sorry! - Then the dog tracked in mud
I'm Sorry! - I shrunk her brand new jeans
I'm Sorry! - And the washer caused a flood

I know my wife is so frustrated!
Hey! Hey!
But I'm feeling emasculated!
Hey! Hey!

I'm Sorry! - I left a stain on the couch
I'm Sorry! - Our house looks like a wreck
I'm Sorry! - that you never shut your mouth
I'm Sorry! - you're such a pain in the neck

I'm Sorry! - Oops, that just slipped out
I'm Sorry! - I didn't mean to say that
I'm Sorry! - Honey, please don't shout
I'm Sorry! - Oh baby, please come back!
Track Name: Must Love Dogs - feat. The Stacey
**My cat people throw your paws in the air, go meow meow, meow meow
And wave 'em all around but do it like you care, go meow meow, meow meow**
-Record scratch-

[Chorus]
I love dogs
I love every kind of dog
I just wanna love all them and I must
Must Love every Dog
Must Love every Dog

[Repeat Chorus]

Nooow all my friends think cats are great
But for me my furry friend ain't up for debate
I know it might be obvious, no need to pretend
That's man's best friend is clearly my best friend
I love 'em to the end of their waggily tails
When I see a tiny puppy, man it never fails
Even the big dogs get a little squee from me
I love the entire canine family
They like ham you see, or just any meat really
Their noses are so cold, their smiles are so silly
I love all breeds, feel me? They're endlessly loyal
Some goofy and funny, some regal and royal
When I see a dog out my brain is destroyed
Because every single dog makes me feel overjoyed
This one thing I consider, and I don't mean maybe
But to me my puppy dog is just my furry baby

[Chorus]

"Who Let The Dogs Out", "Where My Dogs At?"
If you can't find the dogs, I'm blaming the cat
So whatcha think of that? I'm callin' them out
I don't really see what all the fuss is about
Dogs are just as cute, they do cutesy stuff
They like chasing a ball, but they can play ruff
A small dog acting tough is the cutest thing ever
And, not too mention, they're endlessly clever
You say things to dogs, and the dog learns words
You say things to cats and the cat just purrs
A dog can do tricks, a dog can help folks
A cat simply views all the humans as jokes
They're a great home protection kit, nothing's more affectionate
They can even be service pets, to help the less fortunate
I'm always looking at puppy pics online
And I won't rest until every single puppy's mine!

[Chorus]

Now I'm not trying to say that dogs are perfect
But their little cute faces make everything worth it
Except when they drag their butts around like a slug
or throw up on the rug after eating a bug
Or when they take a pee on the cold kitchen tile
Or even worse, take a dump, then just sit with a smile
Dogs have lots of style so can't you think of something better
Than to dress up your pooch in a stupid looking sweater?
Dogs in clothes to me is dumb
Cause dogs in clothes really aren't much fun
They can't play and run for fear of getting dirty
Some puppies aren't meant to to just sit and look purty
But they like to get in trouble, like to chew on your shoes
Like to knock over trash cans, some dogs are bad news
But it's no great shock, no real big surprise
That I'm just a sucker for those puppy dog eyes

I mean just look at him...he's so cute!

I kind of can't stand it.

[Chorus]
Track Name: Turn It Off
I stay up too late
to avoid the shows I hate.
cause TV is so lame, mmm-mmm
The shows are all the same, mmm-mmm

There's shows with Bobby Flay, (heh heh)
Honey Booboo is a pain.
and people losing weight, mmm-mmm
it’s more than I can take, mmm-mmm

It’s like a curse and
I can’t stop, won’t stop surfing.
It’s like I got Don Pardo
in my mind
saying, “we’re gonna be right back."

Cause the Nielson's gonna rate, rate, rate, rate, rate.
but the shows aren’t all that great, great, great, great, great.
and I’m sure I’m tempting fate, fate, fate, fate, fate
when I turn it off, turn it off.
QVC is gonna pray, pray, pray, pray, prey
That I'll buy another shake, shake, shake, shake weight.
Think I need to take a break, break, break, break, break
so I’ll turn it off, turn it off.

I turn on my PC
Or my Playstation 3
And the boredom follows me, mmm-mmm
Can’t escape monotony, mmm-mmm

I'm racing on my own (racing on my own)
Or removing swords from stones (pulling swords from stones)
I’m punching all these hoes, mmm-mmm
In Grand Theft Auto, mmm-mmm

On my computer
I play first person shooters
It's like I got this preset
In my mind
Saying, "buy Madden every year."

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the gamers gonna game, game, game, game, game, game
But every year it’s all the same, same, same, same, same
So I turn it off, I turn it off
‘Cause the Shooters gonna shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot
And the looters gonna loot, loot, loot, loot, loot
Think it’s time that I reboot, boot, boot, boot, boot
Gonna turn it off, turn it off

Turn it off, I turn it off,
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off,
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off,
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off

[Spoken]Hey, hey, hey
Just think while you've been getting down and out about the malaize of the yearly game releases, sitcoms and reality TV shows,
You could've been getting annoyed by pop mu-sic.

This exec bought some sick music
He's like "Oh, my god! You should hear this band!”
And the pre-teen girl with the ice-cream swirl
Begs her parents to buy it, tho it’s bland, bland, bland

Yeah ohhh

All the singers gonna sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
‘Cause they’re the hottest thing, thing, thing, thing, thing (they’re the hottest thing)
And this earworm’s gonna sting, sting, sting, sting, sting
So I turn it off, I turn it off
Think it’s time that I flee, flee, flee, flee, flee (mmmm)
Time to pack it up and leave, leave, leave, leave, leave (I'll leave, I'll leave, I'll leave)
Maybe live among the trees, trees, trees, trees, trees, trees
Time to turn it off, turn it off

Turn it off, I turn it off,
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off,
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off

Turn it off, I turn it off,
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off (I've got to),
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off,
I, I, I turn it off, I turn it off
Track Name: Love Bites
Oh, my wife and I were happy
and some might call it "sappy"
when we bought our first house in New Orleans

We had such friendly neighbors
even though we were just strangers
but everything was not so great, it seems.

One night we met a tall and lanky man who was quite pale
Descended from the vikings, he said with pride
My wife took one small glance and without fail
She suddenly invited him inside

She hasn't been the same
since that fateful night
And upon her neck I see...
Love Bites. Love Bites.
Upon her neck I think I see
Love Bites. Love Bites.

Now she spends her nights in the park
She wakes up when it's NEAR DARK
She spends all evening out, FROM DUSK TIL DAWN

She sleeps all day, makes no noise
I fear she may be LOST, BOYS
And on tv TRUE BLOOD is always on.

It seems she's taken a job on the NIGHTWATCH
On the graveyeard shift inside SALEM'S LOT
She has THE THIRST for something a bit thicker than scotch
and never lets a bleeding wound to clot

ONCE BITTEN by that man
she's out 'til the TWILIGHT
and I fear she might leave me...
Love Bites. Love Bites.
I fear she might just leave me
Love Bites. Love Bites.

It seems like every night she's out there with him
I don't know how much more I can take
She says that on that night we LET THE RIGHT ONE IN
but I fear that her heart may be at stake

So, now my wife has left me
And now I feel drained empty
Although she always said I was her type

But that last laugh will be mine
because all during this time
My new girlfriend name BUFFY's worth the hype

I just can't forgive the way she left me
and if I run into that man in the dark, I'll
give him the silver necklace she gave back to me
and at least that lanky bastard doesn't sparkle!

So listen to my story
and it's not out of spite
Believe me when I say...
Love Bites. Love Bites.
Please believe me when I say
Love Bites. Love Bites.
Track Name: Super Monkey Ball
We stood in line, it was launch time
for the Nintendo Gamecube
Waited all night, so this ain't right
The clerk gave me attitude

I could not believe, we were forced to leave
Bought the system and fled
I wanted to shout when they said "sold out"
of the game I wanted

I wanted Super Monkey Ball
I couldn't find it at the mall
No, I just could not find it at all
I just wants games with a mo-o-onkey
Yeah a, a mo-o-onkey

I searched, I seeked, then in 12 weeks
I found Monkey Ball part two
I'm such a mess, I'm so obsessed
I even play n the bathroom

It's Marble Madness, Collect Bananas
Potassium Burglary
It may be a game, but can help you train
to perform surgery

I just love Super Monkey Ball
I'll play ev'ry single sequel
But I so love the original
Love mini-game with a mo-o-onkey

I'm playing Super Monkey Ball
Off the edges I will never fall
Monkey Bowling or just Monkey Golf
I just love games with a mo-o-onkey
Yeah a, a mo-o-onkey

I've beaten every single course
There's no level I can not win
And you will never beat my scores
All you can do is just sit and spin

I'll conquer every single floor
Open a ball & just let me in
Even then I could not let you win

I play all the time, think Ive lost my mind
This game takes lots of balls

I'm playing Super Monkey Ball
It's on my phone so do not call
with AiAi, Baby, and GonGon
I just love these little mo-o-onkeys

I'm living Super Monkey Ball
I don't see the real world at all
Next to them my life just seems so small
I just want to be a mo-o-onkey
Yeah a, a mo-o-onkey
Yeah a, a mo-o-onkey
Track Name: Watch Your Language
[Pre-Chorus]
I see what you're typing, think I know what you mean
But it's hard to understand what I read on my screen
[Chorus]
Now you may think that it's funny, but I'm telling you class
If you don't watch your language you will look like an ass
The way you try to spell things sends me over the edge
It's not too much to ask to watch your language

[Verse 1]
Lately I've been hating how I always seem to find
Your abusive use of language drives me out of my mind
It not so much the stuff you say or even how you talk
But how you write your words inside the little Twitter box
I understand you've only got a hundred forty characters
It's not just your spelling, it's over half Americas
Where do I start? Well, what can I say...
It bothers me when you switch out "e" for "a"
For example: "Affect" is a verb, meaning "influence"
"Effect" shows the result, like of this next sentence.
How does it "affect" me when you hear this song and scoff?
I'll tell you what the "effect" is. It's pissing me off!
"Allude" is what you do when your subject is vague
"Elude" is what you do when you try to evade.
And don't get me started on swapping "than" for "then"
Rather eat nails "then" get jailed "than" have to tell you this again.

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
For my second lesson on spelling and how you abuse it,
If you don't know how to spell a word, don't attempt to use it
The first one is a French word, you spell it with a T
O-U-C-H and an accent mark on E
Don't spell it like it sounds, don't spell it "Too Shay"
Or I will smack you verbally calling you "dou-che"
Of course the word is "douche", that's what I'll mean to say
It's pronounced differently but it's spelled the same way
And I don't get this one, why spell O-U-R
When you mean A-R-E. Are you dumb? Oh, you are?
O-U-R is pronounced "our", like 60 minutes of time
But the H is silent there, "Are" and "Our" don't rhyme
My boss sent me an e-mail that I just could not believe
It said 'these our are hours' and I had to frikkin' leave.
If you can't seem fit all these words into your brain
Go and read the lyric sheet while I sing you this refrain

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
This last thing on my list seems to get the most action
It pains me to bring up the subject of contractions
I do not mean "don't", or "won't", or "can't"
I mean the separation of another word and "have"
When "have" has been contracted it's apostrophe V-E
which kind of sounds like "of", but it's "have", don't you see?
And "kind of" really is "of" but "may of" just is not
If I see it typed that way once more someone's getting shot
The word is "should've" (short for "should have")
The word is "could've" (short for "could have")
The word is "would've" (short for "would have")
How did your English teacher ever let you pass?
It's not "should of" (it is "should have")
It's not "could of" (it is "could have")
It's not "would of" (it is "would have")
Should've, could've, would've gotten held back in class!

[Pre-Chorus]
Now you understand why they call me insane
I read these kind of things and it just melts my brain
You might call me a jerk, or just a grammar Nazi
But seeing these mistakes makes me go Kamakaze
[Chorus]
Track Name: Joss, Give Me A Season - feat. The Stacey
[The Stacey]
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I the willing viewer
A friend had simply loaned to me
Firefly on DVD
And I wished I'd seen it sooner

Now I've seen every single scene, oh, no
You can't take the sky from me, oh, no
Watch me soar just like a leaf
On the wind, the wind

Joss, give me a season
'Cause the movie's not enough
Just a second season to tie loose ends
And we can learn to love again
Bring back the stars
Browncoats cover up the scars on our hearts
(and maybe resurrect Wash)
Then we can learn to love again

[Insane Ian]
At first I didn't understand
What Dollhouse was all about
I thought that it was strange
[The Stacey] (Oh, it was really weird)
[Insane Ian] And by the time I'm figurin'
Just what the heck was happenin'
FOX cancelled your show again
[The Stacey] (Yeah, it's just what I feared)

[Insane Ian]
Echo's personality, oh, no
Is giving her such real bad dreams, oh, no
[Both] No chance for a season three
For this show, this show
[Insane Ian] Oh, this
[Both] show, moves slow

[Both]
Give me one more season
This little bit's not enough
Just another chance to watch Echo dance
And we can learn to love again
[Insane Ian] I never stopped
'Cause the Active's are all still pretty hot
[Both] And we just both love the plot
So let us learn to love again

[The Stacey] This here is a toast
[Insane Ian] 'Cause Penny's a ghost
[The Stacey] Stop killing the folks
That we love the most!
[Insane Ian] Doc Horrible's blog
[The Stacey] Has been put on hold
[Insane Ian] So Joss can film Avengers sequels
[The Stacey] And on TV

[Both]
Joss, give us a season
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. looks so good
We're so happy that you brought Coulson back
So we can learn to love again
It's on TV
And a good thing that it's on ABC
So FOX can't cancel it then
And we can learn to love again

Joss, give me a season
Heck, a couple seasons worth
How about a run like Buffy's and then
We might just learn to love again
We love your shows
You write women like nobody we know
But please just stop killing men
And we can learn to love again

[The Stacey]
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, stop killing men
And we can learn to love again
Track Name: Suit Up!
Barney (various clips):
Suit Up! Suit up! SUIT UP! Get suited up!
Snow suit up! Flight suit up! Penguin suited up! SUIT UP!
You suited up! I'm birthday suiting up. Slut up! Suit up!
Suit up! Suited up! Suit up! Suit up! Space suit up! LAWSUIT UP!

Well, Hey Beautiful, I'm glad that you're here
Welcome to MacLaren's, grab a scotch or a beer
Maybe have a cigar, take a seat at the bar
I'll be over in that booth, that's where my friends are
There's Lilly the teacher, and Marshall the lawyer
Robin does the news just like Diane Sawyer
And that guy on the end, I'm his very best friend
So tell me...haaaaave ya met Ted?
But wait, who am I? Just an average guy
Settle down girl, don't give me crazy eyes
Abandoned at birth, in the Swiss Alps I was born
I was found and named Lorenzo Von Matterhorn
I love ballooning and puppies, I'm kind of a genius
Have my own company, and an unusually large penis
Oh, you say that this story isn't very convincin'?
It's one from my playbook, and my name is Barney Stinson

Chorus
So call all your bros, pour some scotch in your cup
Grab your jacket and tie, it's time to suit up!
If your suit is black you shoes shouldn't be brown
Man, it's gonna be awesome, hi-fives all around!
I'm your wingman, you're my newest recruit
You're gonna get all the ladies when you're dressed in your suit
I hope you're insured, 'cause it's gonna get hairy
This'll be Legen...(wait for it)...dary!

I have a confession, I'm sure that you'll find
I'm always this awesome just all of the time
Weather out on the town and looking to shag
Or beating those teenagers at laser tag
When it comes to life, I have only one rule
Always strive for what's "possimpible"
Never play the fool, or act like you're tragic
And whenever possible, ladies love them some magic
Whenever I'm out, I'm dressed to impress
And I make sure my suits are always well pressed
No wrinkles or creases, I always look fly
I can even pull off a yellow duck-covered tie
83% of women think I played Boba Fett
Oh yes, that stat's true, you wanna Slap Bet?
When I see a hot girl, I know i"m gonna get her
Then move onto the next 'cause (Barney:)"New Is Always Better"

Chorus

Now I know in the last verse I said I had a confession
I said what it was, no need for Intervention
Okay, I admit, my brother James, yeah he's gay
and I'm the inventor of "Not a Father's Day"
And despite all the kicks that Ralph Macchio did
We know Johnny Lawrence was the REAL Karate Kid!
Well, out of all women, one keeps my heart throbin'
Okay, I admit it, I'm in love with Robin
She's as awesome as I am, which makes us compatible
On the Hot/Crazy scale, she's above the diagonal
She knows the Bro Code, but is the best bro of all
And yes, Robin Sparkles, even out of the mall
So wedding suit up, hi-fives all around!
Robin Sherbotzy got me to settle down
I won't find a greater girl on this planet, yeah
Man, she's so awesome...even thoughshe's from Canada

Chorus
Track Name: Insane Ian and My Parents Favorite Music - It's BurgerTime
[II] Hey Steffo!
[S] What's up Ian?
[I] I'm gettin' a little hungry
[S] oh my god yes
[I] I think It's about time we get our grub on, whadda ya say?
[S] Let's do this, what's your poison?
[I] Well...

[VERSE I IAN]
We've gotta eat, but it's gotta be quick
I'm thinking fast food will do the trick
A burger that's thick, a large order of fries
Two Happy Meals, check inside for the prize
Open wide for the pies, try apple or cherry
The filling is hot? Oh it's very very
It's not just warm, it's filled with lava
Gonna wash that down with some cola, not aqua
I know it's a problem eating out every night
But the food is so good and the price is just right
It's not really healthy, but that doesn't matter
Better slow with the chatter, soda filled up my bladder
Now back to the counter, order up another meal!
A double quarter pounder for a quarter, that's a steal!
Say what was my prize in my box of child rations?
The sword, Excaliburger! (mostly used for distractions)

[CHORUS I]
[I] When you gotta eat quick, don't care if you get sick
[S] When the world's your playplace take your pick
[I] When you think it might be meat, but you don't really mind
It's Burgertime!
[S] It's Burgertime?

[S] When the back of your jacket and your buttons break loose
[I] When a pickle's chasing you, and an egg is too!
[S] Put the fries on the side this time. Why?
It's Burgertime!
[BOTH] It's Burgertime!

[Steffo's verse spoken intro]

[S] When I get a burger I get just meat and cheeze. Nothing else. Except more meat and cheese.
[I] What about the bun?
[S] And bun. Meat cheese and bun.
[I] And the wrapper?
[S] Got a rapper right here!
[BOTH] HEYO!!!

[Steffo's verse]

My name's Steffo, hello Hungry
Let's get drive-through, just take my money
I swear to the fryguys I'll hamburgle the whole place
If my car's not chock full of patties for the home base
And seriously who gets a single burger anymore?
And seriously who gets burgers from the store?
And I don't mean a ground-up pound of chuck
But those radioactive frozen cow pucks
I can settle for a double, no WAIT
I can settle for a triple, no WAIT
I can settle for a secret menu 20 patty with a
Waterfall of imitation cheddar (so happy)
Yes I look pregnant, No I'm not pregnant
I have a condition, I'm allergic to running
The Lovechild of Wendy & Ron Swanson
Prepare yourselves...Dinner is coming.

[Chorus]
[S] When you have an emergency whopper fund
[I] When you think it might be fun to enjoy some toasty buns!
[S] When the floor of your car looks like a Ronald shrine
It's Burgertime
[I] It's Burgertime!
When you've haven't got a care, be a dollar menu-naire!
[S] When you open up new line of burger-wear
[I] When you hear how fat you are by the B words in every line
It's *B*urgertime!
[S] It' B-uh...urgertime

[Third verse spoken intro]
[I] Oh man...I think we may have overdone it
[S] (no moreeeeeeeeeeee)
[I] But we have one more verse to go
[S] Just one more sip of this shake. Oh my god, it's so good...

[Third verse]
[I] After all of these burgers, I packed the pounds on like girders
I'd walk the weight off but I can't walk any further
I'm starting to feel a sharp pain in my chest
I'll see a doc once this triple stack's finished
[S] Maybe I should switch up my diet, I don't need this
Something a little more healthy, like cheese stix
AHHHHHHH I'm done running, you can meet me
Sitting on the boombox playing eye of the tiger on repeat
[GROW STRENGTH]
[I] Feel like I'm moving half-speed, those kids are moving past me
Think that I just ordered a McAngioplasty
I think we should stop, please cut me some slack
I might be having a Big Mac HEART Attack
[GROW STRENGTH]
[S] Crawling? It's a reliable form of transport
I can use my inhaler like a jet pack
There's a jack in the box locked in my GPS
all this concern for heath? a minor set back
[GROW STRENGTH INTO LAST CHORUS]

[Chorus]
[I] When you've got shortness of breath, but there's still some room left
[S] Just yelling random numbers like a menu Roulette
[I] My left arm kind of hurts, but otherwise I'm fine!
It's Burgertime
[S] It's Burgertime
When your order sliders 'cause you consider them petite!
[I] When your love of meat won't let you see your feet
[S] If you need a reminder, HMM lemme see...
It's Burgertime
[I] It's Burgertime

[Spoken outro as it fades out]
[I] Actually, I think it's exercise time, don't you?
[S] The gym has a good vending machine
[I] Ooh, the gym! Yeah, that reminds me, I need to train up my pokemon
[S] But not on an empty stomach!
[I] Yeah! I think the McRib is back...mmm...Yoga Mat...
Track Name: Smaller - feat. The Stacey
You know the Mushroom Kingdom
Ain't the safest place
But all the Toads feel better
Since you came to this place

You think they got the best of you
I think you'll have the last laugh
Bet you'll get the upper hand on the Koopa gang
Bowser's gone and captured me
He knows you'll come running back
Baby don't you worry, go and do your thang

[chorus]
What doesn't kill you makes you smaller
Mushrooms make you taller
You know how to stomp the Goombas best
This leaf and tail makes you a fly-er
Flowers give you fire
Come here and rescue your Princess

[chorus 2]
What doesn't kill you makes you smaller, smaller
Just say "Hey, it's-a me!"
What doesn't kill you makes you smaller
Mushrooms make you taller
That's what makes you super, Mario

So now I'm thinking about training with you
You told me it was about time I learned to
Time to learn to grow up,
Time to learn how to fly
I'll throw fire just like you

[chorus]
A dozen Koopas make you smaller
Mushrooms make you taller
Green ones give you an extra life
Blue flowers help you shoot ice
Isn't that just so nice?
I'll never be King Bowser's wife

[repeat chorus 2]
Thanks to you I’m no damsel in distress
Thanks to you not just a floating princess
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me
You know in the end one day I’ll finally give Bowser a beating
In the end

[chorus]
What doesn't kill me makes me smaller
Mushrooms make me taller
Floating 'round the kingdom in my dress
I'm throwing fruits and veggies
Giving Goombas wedgie's
Ain't no need to rescue this princess


What doesn't kill me makes me smaller, smaller
But fungus makes me grow
What doesn't kill me makes me smaller
Bowser's crown will falter
I can be like Super Mario

What doesn't kill you makes you smaller, smaller
Just say "Hey, it's-a me!"
What doesn't kill you makes you smaller
Mushrooms make you taller
That's what makes you super, Mario

Mario...
Track Name: Insane Ian & the great Luke Ski - Angry Nerds
Intro:
Man, I hate this song
Man, I hate this show
Man, I hate this game
Zero. Upvotes.

Verse 1 - Ian:
You'd think that today, nerds’d surely be glad
There's more nerdy things now than I ever had
From TV to movies, books, games, and comics
There’s all kind of fandoms on all kinds of topics
But when they convert a nerdy thing to new media
The nerdy butt-hurt is almost immediate
A movie comes out, and they all begin blogging
They tear it to shreds, they give it a flogging
It’s such a disgrace, as the rage fills their face
Because someone changed a characters costume or race
They weather the leather of the clever books, ‘cause they’re “better”
They remember the splendor of every single last letter
If they change it too much, then they all cry foul
If they change it too little, then they throw in the towel
But then you’ll feel their wrath, in a Facebook thread
If you spoil Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead!

Chorus 1:
Angry Nerds! I understand your passion
But do you think that this warrants that kind of reaction?
Angry Nerds! They can be so rude
Whether reddit, 4-chan, or comments on YouTube
Angry Nerds! To them all things are sacred
There isn’t a thing that is not Mass Debated
All their talking sounds like squawking from some flightless birds,
slingin’ rotten eggs, here come the Angry Nerds!

Verse 2 - Luke Ski:
Once upon a time, in ‘99,
There was an 8-year-old, unaware of what’s online.
Saw “The Phantom Menace”, thought it was amazin’!
Identified with Ani and loved the podracin’.
Bought all the toys, saw the prequel’s sequels,
then went in search of some similar equals.
Found the Enterprise, either Data’s or Spock’s,
and a wacky madman in a bright blue box.
- Found wizards,(pirates,) web-slingers,
(nerdcore rappers,) and funny-song singers.
Now the kid’s 20-something, loving fandom each day,
All because no Angry Nerds crossed paths to say,
“Phantom Menace sucks!, and Jar Jar is dumb!,
and Jar Jar is dumb!, and did I mention Jar Jar is dumb?!,
and you’re dumb if you like it. No excuse!”
Way to kill the next generation, you douche!

Chorus 2:
Angry Nerds! Like a spoiled brat,
they take your wide-eyed wonder, then they squash it flat.
Angry Nerds! Throwing poop like Play-Doh,
swirling all around, like a giant snark-nado!
Angry Nerds! Think they’re Captain Kirk.
Well, spoiler alert, you’re just being a jerk.
Producing way more dookie than some Bantha herds,
I’ve got a bad feeling ‘bout these Angry Nerds!

Verse 3 - Ian and Luke:
Someone should summon the male nerds of the world
And stop them from questioning every single geek girl
And trying to validate if they have enough cred
And just simply treat them as equals instead!
Five episodes into “Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.”,
“I’m giving up on this show. Disappointing for real.”
It wasn’t “The Avengers”?! That’s your reason?!
How about giving it a chance for ONE SEASON?!?!
Michael Bay’s getting hate for his toy adaptations
Zach Snider’s derided for his hero machinations
But if there’s one thing all nerds can agree on
It’s that Uwe Boll is a gigantic peon
So when you’re watching some thing, and your knee-jerk kicks
that spawns your usual attacks…
Just repeat to yourself, “It’s just a show,
I should really just relax!”
Or you’ll be one of the-

Chorus 3:
Angry Nerds! Their bile can’t be abated.
Besides, you’re more hip if you say that you hate it.
Angry Nerds! While you’re Minecraft mining,
Why don’t you try looking for a silver lining?
Angry Nerds! Some bad news for you,
“The Big Bang Theory’s” funny ‘cuz it’s mostly true.
I know that it’s ironic as I say these words,
but this nerd is getting angry at these Angry Nerds!

Outro Spoken Word Banter:
(Spoken as Yoda) Fandom leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering
Yeah, suffering through the constant complaining. Can’t these guys ever be satisfied?
(Still Yoda) The Dark Side is Quicker. Easier. More seductive.
Hey, you wanna knock off the Yoda impression? You’re making me…
Angry? Oooh, I’ll bet I wouldn’t like you when you’re angry.
That’s my secret, Luke. I’m always angry.
Track Name: I've Never Played FF7 feat. Ben Stahl
[Hook:]
I'm gonna lose some cred
I've never played Final Fantasy 7
I - I - I know, all the fanboys go
"This game's freaking awesome!"

[Verse 1:]
Now, the guy on the box is like "What up? I got a big sword"
It's what all my friends brought home from the game store
This was the game of my college generation
Nintendo fans were like, "Damn, only on PlayStation"
Guy sittin' next to me, said he's played it for 8 weeks
Hasn't even beat it yet, says he's fin'ly on disc three
Looks like he hasn't slept, but he's hypin' the game to me
But sounds like it's hella long, don't have the time for an RPG
(Shhhhhhh)
But heck, won't tell that to my friends!
'Bout to borrow it, play through it, but someone else already rented it
The truth that I'm facin' is I don't have a PlayStation yet
Problem solved that holiday, I got one for a Christmas gift
But got no copy of the game, 'cause Santa didn't bring me it
I'ma borrow from my friends, does someone have one they can lend?
No for real - ask your cousin - cause I don't have the cash to spend (Thank you)
Says he can loan me it, but he's missing disc two
What the heck is up with that? Won't be able to play through
I saw a used copy, I bought a used copy
Returned it before I played, 'cause with money I was sloppy
Had it, had it, in my hands I grabbed it
I was gonna play that game, and that was how I planned it
I was real excited to but then this guy ruined it
He told me how Aeris dies "Aw, he spoiled the best bit"

[Hook x2]

[Verse 2:]
What you knowin' about the movie Advent Children?
What you knowin' about the shooter staring Vincent?
I watched it, I played it, I'm not even kidding
I did the tie-ins without originals for reference
Thank the gamers for donating all their button
-mashing 'Cause right now I still have never played it
I'm at the Gamestop, I can't find it in the (used games)
It's not, It's not here, I’m searchin' in that section (used games)
On eBay, sold to-day, Amazon, Trade N Play
Saw a de-listed greatest hits disc, second-hand, I rock that classic game
The second-print with the green label on that classic game
I check the price on the listing of that classic game
They be like, "Oh, this RPG is hella tight."
I'm like, "Yo - that's ninety dollars for a used game."
Limited edition, let's do some simple addition
Ninety dollars for a used game - that's just out of my price range
I call that getting let down and sad (dang)
I call that time to download or emulate
This game's hella old
And finding a rom of this is easier than finding one of DiG DuG
PSN finally got the game on legit download
Now after this gonna peep me some Earthbound
I'll play Earthbound

(Squaresoft... I'll play your games... eventually!)

[Hook]

[Bridge:]
I've played these games before
They look incredible
The ones on Nintendo
But not the ones on Playstation
For Final Fantasy (damn right)
I've played 1, 2, and 3 (or was that six?)
Now I think that clearly (it's so clear)
You must remake this in HD (let's go)

[Hook]

is that what all the hype is about?
Track Name: Shut Up, Ian!
Audio sample from Marscon 2011:
TV's Kyle: I'm TV's Kyle...and so, the next song requires lyrics...
Insane Ian: Technically all songs require lyrics
TV's Kyle: SHUT UP, IAN!
crowd laughs
TV's Kyle: I mean...shut up, Ian.

Some folks recognize I'm the clown of the class
That I tend to be kind of a wise-ass
I'm always quick to say something snappy
Making you laugh is what makes me happy
But there are times when I shouldn't speak
I know it's wrong, but my will is weak
And I think my friends would shove me in a creek
To get this geek to shut his beak
I tend to often run off at the mouth
A verbal coffin, size of Brandon Routh
That you're trapped inside and you can't get out
And so my friends feel the need to shout
Just like my pal TV's Kyle
I said something to make him smile
That's just my style, shout from the isle
But you'd think I said something vile

But what Kyle said to me upon that fateful night
Is now repeated endlessly whenever I'm in sight!

Shut Up, Ian! That's what he shouts! Why he does it, I can't figure it out!
Shut Up, Ian! It's sad but true. But since he said it, EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO!
Shut Up, Ian! I don't mean to rant, but it seems to be the brand new chant!
Shut Up, Ian! That's what they say! It's such a simple phrase, but it ruins my day!

As you can see this bothers me a lot
You might think I'm being sensitive...I'm not.
But you can't imagine how annoying it is
To hear that phrase when you're trying to whiz,
At the grocery store, at the local mall,
I hear it whenever my grandmother calls
It's enough to drive a person crazy!
(I hear it most often from my wife, The Stacey)
When I'm on a podcast and talking aloud
About my new song, of which I'm most proud,
As I am speaking I imagine a crowd
All ready to shout it, but that's not allowed!
I know when I speak I am taking a gamble
'Cause I have a tendency to endlessly ramble
This clearly leaves me emotionally scarred
Some folks may not say it, BUT THEY THINK IT REALLY HARD!

Every single day it happens, why do this to me?
My name's Insane, but just the same, NOW I NEED THERAPY!

Shut Up, Ian! That's what they say! It's such a simple phrase but it ruins my day!
Shut Up, Ian! It's sad but true. Why do this to me? I wouldn't to you!
Shut Up, Ian! You're making me sad. Why does everyone remind me of my dad?
Shut Up, Ian! That's the name of this song. Here comes the bridge, now you'll all sing along!

I reviewed a game!
(Jared Ringold of Possible Oscar) Shut Up, Ian!
This pasta is lame!
(ShoEboX of Worm Quartet) Shut Up, Ian!
I think that I fear ticks!
(Austin Aeschliman of Smashy Claw) Shut Up, Ian!
All songs have lyrics!
(TV's Kyle) Shut Up, Ian!
Was that TV's Kyle?
(Devo Spice) Shut Up, Ian!
Did someone say "tile"?
(Chris Mezzolesta of Power Salad) Shut Up, Ian!
Wil Wheaton had me blocked
(Carrie Dalhby) Shut Up, Ian!
Achievement Unlocked?
(Luke Ski) Shut Up, Ian!

This was starting to become an issue
I should probably have bought stock in tissues
But then something crazy occurred
And changed the life of this small nerd
Instead of letting this affect my health
And tearing down my social wealth
I put my pride upon a shelf
And learned to just censor myself!
Instead of rambling on and on
I'll stop myself from saying something dumb
I won't try to stop everyone
From yelling at me...'cause they're having fun!
It's all ok, It's only feelings
I'm not deflecting, no, I'm dealing!
This revelation has sent me reeling
I'll take it back with THUNDER STEALING!

Instead of taking history and trying to erase it
I think it might be good of me if I were to embrace it!

Shut Up, Ian! is what I say to me, foot so far in my mouth that I choke on my knee...
Shut Up, Ian! That's what I say! It's just a simple phrase to help me through the day!
Shut Up, Ian! I hear it a lot. You might think I'm crazy. Well, I'm not.
Shut Up, Ian! That's the name of this song. I've stolen your thunder, no need to sing along!
Track Name: Rules of the Road
[Male driver]:
The air is cool in the morning light
As I start another day
I grab my keys, put on my tie
And I start to drive away

The birds are singin’, and my coffee’s warm
As my engine comes alive
Not knowing of the impending storm
I merge on to 95

I pull into the middle lane and I can’t believe my eyes
A sea of fools who desperately need to learn how to drive

The grandma in the passing lane, tailgater behind a truck
That guy is on his cell phone weaving through traffic like a schmuck
And here I sit, just watching them on my way to work
And I pray to God I don’t get hit by some dumb thoughtless jerk

These are the Rules of the Road
Not many follow, history has shown
Follow the rules, follow the road
Chances are good that your car won’t explode
In a heaping, huddled, crumpled mass of severed limbs and chrome
And you’re sure to safely find your way back home.

I grip the wheel so cautiously
And check every blind spot
I look ahead and in front of me
Break lights are burnin’ hot

I strike my palm ‘gainst my forehead
And wince from the sharp pain
‘Cause some SUV fills me with dread
Turning right from the left lane!

I watch with unbelieving eyes, my stomach feeling sick
I hear horns blow as he tries to cross six lanes of traffic!

[Instrumental break – filled with car horns, screeching wheels, screaming drivers]

He didn't signal his lane change, just started drifting in
As all the drivers flipped him off, he simply waved and grinned
It's almost just as if he never looked back to see these cars
‘Cause objects in the rearview mirror appear clo-ser than they are

These are the Rules of the Road
So pay attention to how the traffic flows
Follow the road. Follow the rules.
Follow them both so your life you won’t lose
And watch out for those hazard lights that signal…

We gotta move all the way to the right
There’s only one lane, it’s open on the right (x4)

[Traffic reporter]: Good morning everybody, this is Detour Danny, your Traffic Nanny here in SkyChopper 106.3, and man, what a day it is today. If you're on 95 traffic has slowed to a crawl thanks to to a few motorists this morning who seem to have won their licenses from a box of cereal. Right now by the exit for Blanchfort Avenue, we have a Blue Nissan backing up, as it seems it just narrowly missed the off-ramp, so watch for on coming traffic if you're Northbound. Hang on, folks, I see something happening up ahead. Northbound on 95 by the 28 mile marker there appears to be a hatch back swerving in and out of the lanes. They're heading into the construction area ahead, where traffic is funneling into the only lane available. Folks, the driver doesn't see it up ahead. I think we're about to witness an accident...

[Crash noise]

[Female driver]:
How could I miss that, I should have seen the signs
Those bright flashing lights and double yellow lines
The guy in the bright orange vest
[Male driver]:
I would have seen that

[Female driver];
My dad will have a fit
Haven't paid this car off yet
[Male driver]:
At least she hit that SUV

[Female driver]:
Running on fumes and the sun was in my eyes
Dropped my cigarette right between my thighs
[Voice]:
Hey, what the hell happened?
[Female driver]:
Hang on, I'll have to call you back!

Office I'm sorry this is a first
Left my license in my other purse
[Male and Female driver together]:
How could this day get much worse?

[Male driver]:
I could've been there by now
I should've been there by now (X4)

[Female driver]:
These are the Rules of the Road
So pay attention to how the traffic flows
I should have looked up, I should have slowed down
Get me right out of this God forsaken town!

[Male driver - simultaneous]:
We gotta move all the way to the right
There’s only one lane, it’s open on the right (x3)

[Male and Female drivers together]:
And watch out for those hazard lights and their reassuring glow

[Male driver]:
And you're sure to safely find your way back home