Yet Another B​-​Side Collection

by Insane Ian

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Workin at the butcher shop 12 hours a day Man I cant get no releif Choppin up the piggies for minimum pay Drowning in a buttload of grease Fridge started smokin, then I started chokin What to do with all this swi-ine? Not enuff baggies, not enuff pockets The only thing I got is ti-i-ime! 48 hours of pork Eat it up before it spoils No time for a knife or a fokr, we’ve only got 48 hours 48 hours of pork Chops, bellies, pit, pulled, any style I’m sweatin ham fat and shame Pork is pretty awesome for a little while But it all ends up tastin the same There’s no mistakin’, it all tastes like bacon My arteries are starting to clo-og! All these pork rinds are blowin’ my mind Now i’m really high on the ho-o-og! 48 hours of pork Only a yard of aluminum foil No way this is gonna...work Still got a whole lotta hours 48 hours of pork Should have bought stocks In prok roast and ham hocks WHAM BAM THANK YOU HAM I ate all the pork chops, they’re callin’ the pork cops Now i’m out on the lamb TAKE IT PORKY! 48 hours of pork Ain’t no end in sight I’m 600 gallons of dork That only has 48 hours A whole lot of hours Too many hours A pork butt of hours Tons of frikkin hours 48 hours of pork!
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We are the Bowling Green Fabrication Society We made up a massacre of the racist variety We are the Desperate Don Appreciation Society Ignoring political experience and his sexual impropriety Preserving the old ways from being misused Protecting the rights for those that abuse What more can we do We are the Bowling Green Remembrance Society Where we charged the unicorns with some large machinery We are the Bowling Green Massacre Recreationists Shooting rayguns at androids and other things that don't exist Ooooh (X2) We are the 6th Platoon Infantry of Bowling Green And we swear that this is true and not some dummy's fever dream We are the Bowling Green Fabrication Society We fabricate this "tragedy" with fear and anxiety We are the Alternative Facts Instigators Trust us to tell you the real truth, so you can thank us later Preserving the memory from being forgot Protecting Americans from those that are not And that's quite a lot God save our Bowling Green.
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1 Round and around and around and around Round and around and around and around Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down There's a local fair every summer night Where the kids all play upon the fair ground rides Roller coasters rock and the swings have height But the carousel is the fairground pride Now the kids all said that the ride was cursed They always claimed that it was the worst Well we didn't believe 'em, so with eager lips pursed My pal Harris and I hit the carousel first Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down All the girlies laughed and thought our hair was swell As we spun around and smelled that summer fair smell Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down But the fun was done when ol' Harris fell When he tripped and stumbled off the carousel 2 Round and around and around and around Round and around and around and around Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down Ever since that day he's never been the same Harris once was cool but today he's totes lame I think that when he fell it affected his brain 'Cause I fear that Harris may have gone insane He likes to take long walks, tho he wears no clothes He talks to dolphins all day, but he speaks in prose He has taken to naming every one of his toes And the tattoo on his face says Eat At Joe's Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down But he doesn't seem to mind, near as I can tell And his ping pong addiction knows no parallel Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down Tho what happened that day t'weren't the fairest spell Harris seems happy he rode the carousel Rap Bridge So, how could this be, your poor hapless buddy Now acts like a freak if something brushes his knee He can't be contained, it's simply profane How he wanders around town yelling "choo choo" like a train I guess that he's happy, he known through Cincinnati As the guy who always manages to have fistfuls of taffy But I swear to the sources, you know this of courses He'll always be this way since the spinning ride with the horses 3 So my pal named Harris might just be stuck When we rode that ride was how he changed his luck Well at least he's not boring like some old lame duck But he's convinced that chickens are called "loud mouth'd schnuks" Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down So he has no fears, nor no cares as well So I guess it's fine that ol' Harris fell Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down But I'll tell you the same I told that Paris belle Stay away from the curse of the carousel Round and around and around and around Round and around and around and around Round and around and around and around Round and around and up and down
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[Bonecage] Come they told me to Nakatomi To spend my Christmas at her office party A giant bear I bring to both of my kids Switched to her maiden name is what Holly did, celebrated, the company's bid [Insane Ian] Hans Gruber -- can it be? He is here...for robbery Hostages are taken Terrorists are raiding the rooms So I run and I hide away [BC] I have no shoes to wear - made fists with my toes Threw Tony down the stairs - broke his neck and his nose Hid on an elevator right up above Tied to a chair he’s dead and wearing a note, I have a gun - ho ho ho [II & BC] Sgt. Powell must be made aware “Welcome to the par-ty, pal” The FBI will attack the doors But they won’t get very far [BC] Hans, he told them to shoot the glass “Come out to the coast, [...] we’ll have a few laughs” Now Karl seems pissed at me, ‘cause I killed his bro Argyle’s in the garage, he’s waiting below, takes out Theo, with a limo [II] I pray my wife will be safe As I shoot Eddie right in his face Hans falls out the window Thornberg gets a punch in the nose While Al shoots, shoots at Karl for me John McClane, saved the day Yippie-Ki-Yay
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SHOEBOX: Math is bullshit, it's all just made up Science jerks invented numbers and said they do stuff They made it all complex and made it hard to do So they could say "nyeah nyeah we're smarter than you!" IAN: But math is natural, it's found everywhere! SHOEBOX: Oh yeah then what's the fucking square root of a bear? IAN: That's not how it works, you just don't see... SHOEBOX: That sounds like more bullshit excuses to me IAN: But a bear isn't a number, you see that's why... SHOEBOX: Ah, so only your made up constructs apply IAN: Numbers are made up? Dude, your brain's not good. SHOEBOX: Well when's the last time you saw a twelve shit in the woods? IAN: Zaa? SHOEBOX: Math is bullshit, there's just no such thing It's not like fucking fractions bloom in the spring Science jerks made it up to pretend they got smarts While the rest of us just sit around and laugh at our farts IAN: Math's a universal language that we all understand! SHOEBOX: Oh yeah then why aren't equations read at poetry jams? IAN: But you can use it to predict how the natural world works SHOEBOX: Then what's the average of a sunset and a pile of dirt? IAN: Wait...just...what...bleee? SHOEBOX: See your lies all fall apart under close scrutiny! IAN: But...I...I...I need a drink. SHOEBOX: See what happened there bitch? I just taught you to think! SHOEBOX: Math is bullshit, you see what I mean? Calculators are just automated lying machines Give it up, science jerks, now you've had your fun But now you're finally exposed, your deception is done! IAN: Clearly...I've wasted...my entire life. Copyright 2014 Timothy F. Crist
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My sense of smell isn’t very good. Things have to have a really strong scent for me to even notice them. And usually, I think they smell bad. My ex, she used to work at Bath and Body Works, and would always bring home lotions and candles and stuff like that. She would get so many free samples, our linen closet looked like she robbed the place. I mean, she didn’t, but man…it looked like the spoils of the most moisturized thievery. Regardless…she would always hold up a lotion or a candle to my face and ask: “How does this smell?” And I would either sniff it and get no scent at all, or immediately recoil from the strong aroma. There was no middle ground. No “this smells ok”. Either it was: “nope, don’t smell a thing”, or: “get that horrible funk away from my nose”. If I were to ever open the door to that closet, I’d get kicked in the olfactory senses and knocked with an immediate headache. I hadn’t always had such a strong aversion to scents, but lately it’s getting harder and harder to smell things unless the scent is very strong. Dead skunks always creep into my nostrils, but I can never tell if my milk is spoiled unless it’s REALLY old. God help me if there’s ever a gas leak in my home, or a fire. The other day I was out walking my dog, and I saw this guy trying to fix his car. He had blue overalls and seriously unusual hair. He kept looking under the hood then rushing around to the back and sticking his head up to the exhaust pipe, muttering to himself something about fish. I didn't really have anywhere to be, so went over full of altruistic self love and offered to help any way I could, if I could. He looked me up and down and -- deciding I was better than nothing -- thrust a cloth rag under my nose and said 'Sniff.' Well, it hadn't been quite what I was expecting, but not wanting to judge a book by it’s cover and figuring my sense of smell would at least be able to detect chloroform, I took a deep breath and was amazed to find the scent of flowers in a summer breeze pulled deep into my lungs. As his wild eyes demanded an answer, screwed up and red with an apparent lack of sleep, I realised he had been inhaling something quite different. I remember smelling the Christmas cookies my mom was baking one year. Whenever I catch that aroma, I get transported back to that Christmas day when I was playing the Ten Pin Alley demo on my new Playstation… And cramming cookies into my face between frames. I guess it’s not always bad scents I catch. I also catch strong food smells: barbecue, cookies, brownies, pies… Thank goodness I can’t gain weight that way, otherwise I’d be fat just from sniffing around the kitchen. Could you imagine that? Gaining weigh by SMELLING something? Or lose weight if you smelled something that offended your nose? Yeah, best to NOT imagine that, on second thought. Don't want to picture HOW you'd lose the weight from a bad smell.
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Noodlin' around feeling the need for speed Sauce blowin' through my angel hair Handle bars from Prego jars, the seat's made of meat The pedals' garlic bread-als, but I don't care It's the only bike I got! Spaghetti Bicycle...how do you ride it?? Spaghetti Bicycle...what does it mean?? Spaghetti Bicycle...none of your business! Spaghetti Bicycle...Super Extreme!! Cookin' up flapjacks is the morning routine Before heading to the daily grind Staple some papers to my boss' forehead and leave a trail of syrup behind It's Teflon coated...bitch! Spatula Briefcase...what does it carry?? Spatula Briefcase...what does it do?? Spatula Briefcase...use it for business!! Spatula Briefcase...or what spatulas do! Steel-cut, fine ground in a porridge bowl. Many flavors for your many tastes But cinnamon apple won't feed your soul Cause...it's not oatmeal flavored mouthwash, it's mouthwash flavored oatmeal...bitch. Mouthwash Oatmeal...is it a sandwich?? Mouthwash Oatmeal...it's actually TWO! Mouthwash Oatmeal...8 parts oatmeal! Mouthwash Oatmeal...37 parts...cabbage. Spaghetti Bicycle! Ocelot Roadmap! Spaghetti Bicycle! Bacon Suspenders! Spaghetti Bicycle! Stereo Towel rack! Spaghetti Bicycle! Jump rope Shotgun!
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Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Stupid Rap Battles! In this corner, weighing in at seven pounds, six ounces, made of 100 percent cast iron, and seasoned to perfection, it's your grandmother's frying pan! And in this corner, with a population of twenty million six hundred-thousand, an average annual rainfall of 59.2 inches, and an average summer temperature of 82 degrees, it's the state of Florida! Begin! Frying pan: Hey Florida, where’d you learn to be a state, man? Is Alabama giving lessons? ‘Cause that’s not a great plan You’re nothing but a swamp that most people stomp past I guess that’s what explains the constant swamp-ass You screwed up the election back in Y2k I mean, how long has this country been voting anyway? And you still messed it up and never fessed up, besides And you think I’ll trust my life to all those theme park rides? Your weather is hot? Yeah, not so much You have to wear an oven mitt ‘cause I’m too hot to touch Did you really think that I would be impressed by your palms I tell you though, I love to be caressed by your moms Florida: My weather is beautiful, my girls are hot I got beaches and parks, your best friend is a pot And you are not even in the same league as me But I will sell you a timeshare eagerly I got 1300 miles of a beautiful coast You got a couple things you make that go good with toast I would take you to Disney but I have to be candid You’d be stranded in the park ‘cause you’re not even enchanted Man, did you really think you’d have a chance Against teacups and candles that can sing and dance? Just go back on the shelf because you’ve met your match I’ve survived hurricanes, oh you might get a scratch Frying pan: You’re gonna have to come up with something better pretty quick Your insults just slide right off, I’m non-stick And I get better with time, it’s called seasoning But I know you’re not exactly good at reasoning You’ve got twenty million people in the world’s lamest gang Picture all these people living in America’s wang I can’t deny, I am not understanding why Because you only go to Florida when you plan to die Do I even need to bring up Florida Man? And alligators as pets is a horrible plan Your state is as exciting as gutting a loft Bugs Bunny had the right idea of cutting you off Florida: You burn things so easy you make lunch a disgrace Man, come down to Cape Canaveral and I’ll launch you to space It’s all state-of-the-art, staffed with the prime of the geeks Your technology’s unchanged since the time of the Greeks I think you’ve been sniffin’ that gas too long Thought you would win this battle but alas you’re wrong You’re a flat round metal that’s encased in grime An inanimate object, don’t waste my time There’s no chef here so tell me what your excuse is Now I’ll just leave you to stew in your own juices You just never seemed to make your case So I’m out, leaving you with some egg on your face
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(10 seconds of silence) 1) Things’ve been slow on the FuMP, you see The schedule’s starting to look empty So it was up to me to step forward and try To fill in a slot, ‘cause I’m that kind of guy I don’t really know why I picked a slot because I can’t write a song as fast as Tom Smith does Don’t know what it was, but I had a feeling That my song concept wasn’t really appealing So I sat down to write, and I stayed up all night But it didn’t seem right, it was trite not tight The lyrics were alright but the beat was weak Have I really peaked? There’s just no mystique So I tossed it aside, and I started again Grabbed my paper and pen to write some lyrics when I suddenly passed out from lack of sleep And I woke up again the following week (Chorus) Tuesday’s song is not yet posted There seems to have been a delay There’s a gap in your music schedule ‘Cause it’s Tuesday, ‘cause it’s Tuesday 2) I woke up in horror, did I really do this? (Man, something tells me Devo Spice’ll be pissed) How could I miss getting my song done in time? Well, the fault is all mine, think I’ll just go online And check the site to see if someone filled in for me Oh, how could this be? This is a tragedy! There’s a blank space where my song should be! First in history for eff you em pee! Check my email, but there’s no discussion No one’s freaking out, Tom Smith didn’t rush in To try and whip up a fast song to fill in No song from Steve Goodie ‘bout how Trump is a villain No long lost gem from Ookla the Mok Nor Nuclear Bubble Wrap and their psychedelic rock No Lemon Demon? Well, this comes at a shock! Did every FuMP artist just get writer’s block? Chorus This song is needlessly meta This song is needlessly meta This song is needlessly meta Needlessly meta, needlessly meta 3) I thought it was strange as I closed my laptop Then suddenly I heard a loud “pop” It started raining Frogs right down on my head As I Noticed I was hit with a feeling of dread So I ran outside, I knew this couldn’t be good ‘Cause I saw the number twelve take a dump in the woods Off in the distance I could see Spam for miles And I was hit with an overwhelming fondness for Kyle Everything’s gone mad! Couldn’t believe my corneas When I saw a frying pan fight the whole state of Florida! What does this mean? There’s no reason or rhyme! Did my lack of a song rip a hole in space and time? I just gotta make this right! How can I fix this? So I threw this song together and asked Devo to mix this But it was too late, the world around me just broke up And that’s when, at last, I finally woke up. (Spoken) Oh man. What a weird dream. Huh. That might make a good song actually. Well, if nothing else...it’ll fill an open slot in the schedule.
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[Intro] We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! [Insane Ian] Back in '06, three folks had a dream To make an impact on the comedy scene With music supreme and style in effect Gave birth to the [Ian and Luke] Funny Music Project [Ian] The usual suspects of funny music then gathered When a normal song's subject need to be fractured And then in '07 to see where it'd get us Our revolution started with [ShoEboX] "C is For Lettuce" Ever since that day our title we did claim As the number one place to escape music that's lame We'd "Pull Pranks On 'Em" all, two times a week [Luke] Sharing "Cat Macros" with every internet geek [Ian] Merv Griffin's a freak, but that's not our name Ask me 1000 times, and I'll tell you the same [Luke] When one word for boobs makes you feel like a chump [Ian] For the other 98 tell 'em [Ian and Luke] "We Want the FuMP"! [Chorus] We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP! We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP! [Devo Spice] Can you hear it? The miracle that we all call The FuMP Don't fear it, the focus is the lyrical kerplunk Caused by the many jokes intertwined in the lines That creates the laughter after folks hear the rhymes People hear the FuMP's song play and go "What is this?" Just some funny business we made into a business This is our existence, funny but it's true 'Cause people pay money for songs about boobs Want a Harry Potter song? [Luke] Apparate! [Devo] Goodie got it! Plus any other topic you can think to write about and Because our little pal hasn't said it in a while Here's Chris from Power Salad saying [Chris] I WANT TILE! Twice a week, post a track, suddenly I'm a star Then it's back to our jobs and our wife and our car And nobody wants that, so be loud like you meant it And the church down the street will know you're proud and demented! [Chorus] We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP! We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP! [Insane Ian] From the East to the West, we all know what's best Celebrating funny music every year at [Ian and Luke] FuMPFeST! [Ian] And at your request we're kicking it live [Devo] (As long as folks come in for the membership drive) [Ian] It's how we survive on this crazy old planet And just a sure as ShoEboX greets you with [ShoEboX] Hi, Dammit! [Ian] We'll bring you funny songs, every week we have two [Luke] Meanwhile, at the bridge! [Carrie] Now I'm in this too! [TV's Kyle & Luke Ski - bridge] [Kyle] Ladies and gentlemen, right here by my side is the blonde-lockin', hip-hoppin', self-promotional cheesehead of your dreams, the great Luke Ski! [Luke] And next to yours truly is the the bespectacled, puffy-vested, sideburninated bloopcore sensation, Mr. TV's Kyle! [Kyle] And we've taken time out of our busy schedule of talking about (and making) cartoons for only one reason! [Luke] That's right, we need everybody in the house to make some noise! So follow our instructions and let's tear this place a new FuMP-hole! [Kyle] Ew. [Kyle] Now when I say Auto, you say Complete! Auto! [Crowd] Complete! [Kyle] Auto! [Crowd] Complete! [Luke] Now when I say Sex-Drugs, you say Satan! Sex-Drugs! [Crowd] Satan! [Luke] Sex-Drugs! [Crowd] Satan! [Kyle] Now when I say Tuba, you say *pthbbb*! Tuba! [Crowd] *pthbbb*! [Kyle] Tuba! [Crowd] *pthbbb*! [Luke] Now when I say Corned Beef, you say Cabbage! Corned Beef! [Crowd] Cabbage! [Luke] Corned Beef! [Crowd] Cabbage! [Kyle] Now when I say Shut Up, you say Ian! Shut Up! [Crowd] Ian! [Kyle] Shut Up! [Crowd] Ian! [Luke] Now when I say Creative, you say Commons Licensing enables the free distribution of otherwise copyrighted works, giving people the right to share, copy, redistribute, adapt, remix, and transform that created work for non-commercial purposes! Creative!... Creative! [Crowd] [tries to say what Luke said but goes goes all over the place incoherently] [While Luke and the crowd say that, Kyle says ala "Wiggling Is a Luxury We Can't Afford":] [Kyle] Nooooo, Luke, that's too many words. It doesn't fit. They aren't gonna be able to- See? Once more, I pretty sure you knew that, and, and you did it on purpose. Luke, you're fired. [Luke] No I'm not. [Kyle] Fuss. [Insane Ian] And that's just a sampling of all of our songs We'd mention all the artists but that'd take too long! [Luke] Actually, Ian, there's over one hundred sixteen [Ian] Shut up, Luke, c'mon, I think they know what I mean [Devo] Actually less than that if you count that the COG ([Luke] COG!) Has several offshoots [Ian] Okay, moving on! So if this chorus makes you stand up and holler We wanna hear you say [Luke & Kyle] I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR! [Chorus] We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP! We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP! We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP! We Want the FuMP! Give Us the FuMP! We Need the FuMP! Gotta Have the FuMP!

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released April 1, 2018

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Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

Insane (adj): shocking, outrageous

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God" - Dr Demento

“If you like video games and hiphop and you don't listen to Insane Ian...You're. Missing. Out.” - Mikey Mason (on The Funny Music Podcast)

"...the guy who's an even-geekier heir to the Weird Al throne..." - Jay Hathaway (URLesque)

Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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