D​.​A​.​M​.​N.

by Insane Ian

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1) Rejected Again First my publisher, then my girlfriend When will this end? Been on this cycle since 2010 I can't tell which is worse, bein' single or bein' broke? My life's a joke. So uninspired. It's hard to write when from life you're fired Oh God, I'm tired Do I want success or to be desired? I dunno who wrote the Book of Love, but I wish I had the publishing rights Why can't I write? (Chorus 1) Oh God, what's in store for me? What will be Zach's life story? Am I destined to be Alphabetically Yours? Can't I just cling desperately To being young and so horny Just spell it out for me Alphabetically Yours 2) A is for the way I'm Amazed I can't think of what to say B is for the block I'm experiencing, but that's really no shock And we know that C, D, E means I Can't Do Enough Oh man it's rough (F this) I need a G Not just Glory, but G as in a ton of money Oh what the H- E-double hockey sticks, I need a Honey, too! I can't seem to concentrate, need to make up my mind: write or go on a date How cruel is fate? (Chorus 2) Oh God, what's in store for me? What will be my life's story Am I destined to be Alphabetically Yours? Will I just pathetically Repeat ancient history? This always happens to me Alphabetically Yours (Bridge) Since the dawn of time My fate was never mine My significant others dictated How I lived but now I'm liberated From Alyson, Britney, Cassie, Danielle, Emily, Faith, and Ginger as well Heather, Iris, Jasmie, and Kristin Linda, Michelle, Nicole's always bitchin' Olivia, Phoebe, Rachel, Samantha, Shannon and Stacey, Siobahn and then Sandra, Sara, Stephanie, Sabrina, and Sharon and Sofia and...geez, that's a lot of S's. I dated my way through the whole alphabet It's about time my name came first in the set! (Chorus 3) I know what's in store for me I'll rewrite my love story I know I'm destined to be Alphabetically Yours I control my destiny Don't need no one cause I've got me! It's time the letter Z was Alphabetically Alphabetically I control my destiny I'll rewrite my love story It's time the letter Z was Alphabetically Yours
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Closure 03:06
[1] Can’t clear the cobwebs in my mind Can’t shake the fear I’ve left behind Something so wonderful that I’ll never get it back Keep thinking how my love left me Why won’t these feelings let me be? Maybe I should talk with her to get my life on track [Chorus] I need some closure To find out just what I‘d done wrong I need some closure We hadn’t even dated very long Can’t we go back to how things were? When she was with me and I was with her? Give me some closure So I can close the book on this [2] Call her up? How is this the plan? Pretty sure we’re on a speaking ban Maybe I should send a text and see how that works out No, that’s lame. That’ll never work. Can’t you see? You’re acting like a jerk! Better to be thought a fool, than remove all doubt! [Chorus] But I need closure Gonna give her a piece of my mind I need some closure Just as soon as I locate my spine Why’d we break up? I’m not even sure. ‘Cause the way she left me is kind of a blur. Give me some closure So I can close the book on this [Bridge – Spoken] Hello, Nicole? It’ me, Zach. (pause) No, I know. I just…well, I was wondering… What happened to us? Things seemed to be going great, then All of a sudden you just… (pause) Uh huh. Oh. (pause) Oh. Oh really? Well…I see. Alright, well…that explains a lot, actually. (pause) That many times already? No, I don’t think that’s a record, but yes, that is more than we did. (pause) No, you can keep that manuscript. They rejected it anyway. (pause) I’m very happy that it props up your wobbily table perfectly. Yes, you’re welcome. (pause) You too. [Chorus] I got my closure! Even though it didn’t go as planned I got my closure I may be dumped but now I understand That we’ll never go back to how things were When she was with me and I was with her ‘Cause now she’s with Steve, and Steve’s now with her And Steve used to be her bosses Chauffer But Steve’s just a bit of an entrepreneur So he’s much more able to provide for her Than some guy who writes sci-fi lit’rature So now that I fin’ly got my closure Now I can close the book on this!
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Denouement 02:16
We open on our first page Introduction Now reality can disengage The prologue to our epic tale Exposition A hero bold, of course, he’s male! A princess Is trapped inside the dragon’s cave The climax The girl is saved, the hero’s brave! That’s a little too cliché and there’s not enough heart The audience can’t be sure that he’ll win from the start If we re-write every ending in life try not to wrap it up too neat We’ll leave them on the edge of their seat Maybe the dark cave Is a pirate ship? Maybe it’s haunted? Or his sword’s just a big Q-tip? The princess secretly is a witch who’s planning to smite our heroic yet-unknowing pro-tagonist Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! We’re fin’ly getting somewhere Never take the audience for granted, Try as they may, they’ll never be prepared As we re-write Every ending in life We’ll never leave them bored We’ll leave them begging for more!
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Extra 02:53
I could never be a leading man ‘Cause I’m not hand Some enough Or the killer in a horror flick ‘Cause ironic -ly, i’m too handsome for that I can’t be an action hero Unless they started taking spindly arms And I could never be in porn because I don’t wanna work that HARD But I can be an extra (I’m living the dream) Extra (who needs dignity) When your main cast is all in place But you need an out of focus face Hey man, I get ya I can be your extra Audiences don’t know I exist I won’t make the list At red carpets Crawl of credits, I can not be found But mom was proud When she saw me Pocket food from the craft service It’s not like these people eat And my studio apartment rent is due So it’s gotta last all week Because I am an extra (when’s the set call?) Extra (who needs dialogue?) When your big star is on the screen But you need some scenery that breathes I can, I betcha I’ll be your extra If Ms. Smith from Drama Club Could only see me now She’d see I’m mag-ni-fique at invisible Invisible Extra (Look out Hollywood) Extra (I’m the God of Wood) When movie magic’s in the air And you need someone just standing there I am the mega I can be your extra
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[Verse 1] I have a new best friend, and his name is Ron Ron’s my new best friend, and he is so tall He can shoot lightning from his hands and eyes Beat up all the guys that are both’ring me And my friend is strong, he can throw a car But don’t throw a car, cause you’ll hurt someone Unless that someone is being very mean Ron says follow me but won’t say where we’re going [Chorus 1] Over There With Electric Ron He’s the guy with the jumpsuit on He’ll use his powers to defend your mom Fighting evil ‘til the break of dawn [Verse 2] Ron’s the kind of guy who will eat ice cream For a real long time and his brain won’t freeze Ron will help you out if your car is dead Attach it to his head and he’ll sneeze lightning Once Ron saw a guy and punched him really hard He hit him so darn hard that the guy explodes! I mean I wasn’t there, but that’s what Ron said Ron once asked me if I might sell my bones [Chorus 2] Over There With Electric Ron Not much for brains but has all the brawn His nemesis is an actual swan That stole his lunch from the park’s new lawn [Bridge] We (we, we) don’t even call him that name (nobody calls him Electric Ron) He (he, he) just sorta kinda shows up (he was over there, he’s Electric Ron) I (I, I) don’t even know where he’s from (he’s from over there, he’s Electric Ron) But I always see him outside the convenience store [Chorus 3] Over There with Electric Ron There’s an officer with his weapon drawn He says Ron escaped and he’s breaking the law Now he’s in the cruiser with some handcuffs on
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[Peter Parker (Devo Spice)]: Aw yeah, that's my jam, I mean literally my jam Try and keep up because you gotta know who I am Peter Parker, with Mary Jane beside her man I am the one-and-only Spider-Man I climb walls, shoot webs, great strength and agility And with great power comes blah blah blah My ability to cling to walls and then swing Means I'm shootin' out webs like silly string I got a theme song, t-shirt, cartoon, and toys And a breakfast cereal that nobody enjoys And a third nipple, at least according to my wiki Don't mind fighting crime but my hands are always sticky So Kingpin lost his whole family what a pity But the thing he built could destroy the whole city Hate to be a party pooper but we gotta stop the threat Take this goober, and I'm dead [Miles Morales (Creative Mind Frame (AKA 1-UP))]: When I'm done you'll wanna cop this... put em up Miles morales here (heh) that's what's up Young kid but a brainiac a maniac For anything my uncle would do, but he's a shady cat And that's another act back to my story line I packed no punches and that's being blunt kid Itty bitty spider bite that's what made it story time That's so nuts now I lack no function You're telling me that I'm a new Spider-Man Gone from no skills to doing anything a fighter can First the multiverse gets shattered... broken jars Now a bunch a spideys slinging round... broken arms Don't doubt me cas I'm never giving up Steph Curry on a dunk sometimes I'm trippin up Steady on my grind enemies I'm rippin up, No spoilers here so that's enough [Peter B. Parker (Insane Ian)]: Hi I'm Pete, It's sure nice to meet ya I fight supervillains (when I'm not eating pizza) I'm just like that last guy, tho my hair is much darker My driver's license says my name's Peter B. Parker Tho starker in contrast, we're really quite alike My guts a little larger but of the two, well, I'm alive But if a girl gets kidnapped and she's thrown inside a van Well I'm another friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! Thought I was alone (not just cause MJ left me) Struggled through a portal (cause I might be kinda hefty) Landed in this city, met this little kiddie He was bitten by a spider like the one that went and bit me Now I'm a mentor, teach this kid the ropes On how to be a hero and to give people hope Responsibility & Power, and before you have to ask Always wash your suit and never sneeze inside the mask [Gwen Stacy (Bonnie Gordon)]: Hey guys, it's Gwen, and I have been Living as the one and only Spider-Woman Bit by a spider and I might've got here first And I'm from another, another universe I don't do friends, got two or three styles And I'm not helping you through puberty, Miles You were a big help and I'm glad you were there but No, you don't get to like my haircut I've been protecting my version of New York Without ever expecting any help for the work Now lots of spider people are infesting these nights Of all of you I look best in these tights But still, it's nice that support has appeared 'Cause this whole experience has been royally weird But if I'm not mistaken, there's more for us to see And do I smell bacon? [Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]: That would be me [Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]: You're not hallucinatin', Gwen, you know who I am! I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham Where's Ducktor Doom? I'll give him a tackle! And then I'll take a selfie for J. Jonah Jackal Got a hospital and a horse got loose? Call Peter Porker. I'll Chuck Jones his caboose! I'll frolic and I'll dance and I'll do this with my pants and I'll whack him on the snoot! Man, he'll never stand a chance I got a big hammer and you know I'm gonna club ya My Marvel Tails will make you go "What The?!" Kingpin and Liv, man, who the heck is that? Reminds me of KingPig and Dr Octopussycat I've heard folks have been shipping me and Noir. Just pray Mary Jane Waterbuffalo don't know who you are In Gwen's subconscious, you could say that I steered her Does that sound weird? It CAN get weirder [Peni Parker (LEX the Lexicon Artist)]: This is my spider, I'm Peni P, we are A dynamic duo, call me SP//dr I might be kawaii but that don't mean that I'm weak Because I pack a streak of genius in my teeny physique See I pilot this machine with my psychic connection We scale the highest ceilings like the guys in Inception Protecting New York City from malevolent creatures And we're messing with their systems like professional griefers My father left to join the Black Parade Now it's up to me to carry on the masquerade I have to say, my mech suit is better than Tony's It can send you to your death with twenty seven emojis, homie So don't be stunting cause I'm small and I'm cute I crawl in the suit, all of a sudden I'm taller than you That's all that I do, a supercomputer not a shooter of webs Here from the future to save you losers or you would be dead [Spider-Man Noir (the great Luke Ski)]: The wind follows me, it smells like rain. SURPRIZE ATTACK! You mugs will feel my pain. Uncle Benjamin was eaten by Vulture. So gory, But it makes a good hard-core origin story. I'm Spider-Noir, the color thing is new to me, Unlike egg creams and moral ambiguity. Wrong or right? I don't know what to say! Am I black or white, or 50 shades of grey? You wanna dance in a biscuit box session? I'll crash you harder than the Great Depression! I'm trying a fedora. Future fashion is wild, But punching a Nazi is never out of style. Just like 6 bullets in a snub .45, We're Web Warriors, takin' nobody's jive. Out of all of the fellas, I cause the most fright, 'Cuz I am the terror that THWIPS in the night! [Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]: Is he allowed to say that? Legally?
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You better watch out You better watch out You better watch out You better watch out You had better watch the *beep* out He’s making a list He’s making a list He’s making a list He’s making a list Santa Claus is making a list He sees you when you’re sleeping He knows when you’re asleep He sees you when you’re sleeping And he knows when you’re asleep He’s checking it once He’s checking it twice He’s checking it thrice He’s checking it...fourfs Santa Claus is checking it fifes With rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums Rooty tooty fresh and fruity He knows when you are sleeping He smells when you’re awake He tastes when you’ve been bad or good So be good for goodness taste He’s making a list He’s listing a list Listy list list Listing make list Santa Claus is listing to port Carry Mistmas
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Zoom Meeting 03:50
"Zoom Meeting" by Devo Spice Featuring the great Luke Ski and Insane Ian Lyrics, music: T. Rockwell, L. Carrozza Vocals: T. Rockwell, L. Sienkowski, I. Bonds All I wanna do is Zoom-a-Zoom Zoom Zoom from my spare room Just work from home! (chorus) All I wanna do is Zoom-a-Zoom Zoom Zoom from my spare room Just work from home! (repeat 4 times) (checks) Check, maybe, check, maybe, one, two, three, four Check, maybe, check, am I coming through OK? Check, maybe, check, can you guys see me? Check, maybe, check, OK (verse 1 Devo Spice) It's called a Zoom meeting, it's needed when you're working remotely I'm feeling lonely, and this software is the only Connection I have to my team back in the office Six meetings by noon, I think I'm never getting off this Turn on the camera so they see my face But never will they ever see a thing below the waist Now since I got the background to appear, can you guess Where I am? Here's a hint, it's got a long park tram Pass control so you can try to make your point Again, but when you share your screen I'm seeing dirty pics of men But now I should mute my mic as I start eating So they don't hear me eat my lunch on a Zoom meeting (chorus) All I wanna do is Zoom-a-Zoom Zoom Zoom from my spare room (first time with mouth full) Just eat your lunch! (repeat 4 times) (checks) Check, maybe, check, maybe, one, two, three, four (I: Yiggity yes) Check, maybe, Ian, are you on? (I: Yup yup) Ian I can see you but I don't hear anything (I: Yup yup) Check, maybe, check, OK (verse 2 - Insane Ian) Yup yup, it's working, certain 'cause with Zoom I'm an artist Virtual background got me inside the TARDIS What I need with these responsibilities that I'm shirking Is a virtual foreground so it looks like I'm working This meeting is boring to the core of my being But doing it in my underwear is quite freeing Not mean to cut you off, not mean to interrupt But yup, there's a lag, and it keeps popping up I like the way you... no you go (DS: Do you think that... oh go ahead) I like the way you... go ahead (DS: Do you think that... sorry, you go) I just wanted to say... ugh! (DS: I was gonna say that... no you go) (spoken): I'm glad I didn't get out of bed for this (chorus) All I wanna do is Zoom-a-Zoom Zoom Zoom from my bedroom It's such a dump! (repeat 4 times) (verse 3 - the great Luke Ski) Take it, take it, take it, now take it I can take every Zoom meeting buck naked Bandwidth is bad 'cause Netflix is streaming Won't turn off my mic so you'll hear my kid screaming I didn't shave my face (shave it!) I didn't cut my hair My uncle's walking 'round in his ratty underwear Come on, pass the controls so I can stream Share it, baby, share it, baby, share my new meme I can hack into another room, (room!) and make A fake name, boom! Ralph Kramden with the Bang-Zoom! (ooooohhh) The way I'm making it mine is just a sign That I'm a troll with a whole lot of time But I ain't in this meeting, just harassing And I ain't turning off my camera when I'm in the bathroom DS: No, no no. No! No-NO NO!! Yeah, watch it, baby, watch it baby, watch it like that! II: Aww, stop it, dude, stop it, oh God, shut it off! DS: Ahh! Dammit, someone ban him! Please ban him right now! (chorus) All I wanna do is Zoom-a-Zoom Zoom Zoom from my bathroom Just take a dump! (repeat 4 times) (spoken outro) LS: I heard Zoom sends all your data to China. DS: Free Taiwan! There. Now they won't. II: OK, I gotta jump off. I got a ten o'clock. DS: OK. My dog needs to go out anyway. LS: I heard the President's having a meeting with the Joint Chiefs. I'm gonna try to crash it. DS: OK, good luck! II: Talk to you later.

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Insane Ian's 4th B-side Collection.

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released July 3, 2020

Cover art by Corey Kramer

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Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

Insane (adj): shocking, outrageous

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God" - Dr Demento

“If you like video games and hiphop and you don't listen to Insane Ian...You're. Missing. Out.” - Mikey Mason (on The Funny Music Podcast)

"...the guy who's an even-geekier heir to the Weird Al throne..." - Jay Hathaway (URLesque)

Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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