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And Featuring Insane Ian as Himself

by Insane Ian

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1.
Princess Peach, out of reach That's just how you are, Life in the Mushroom Kingdom Shouldn't be this stinkin' hard Should have known you were gone in the first instant But you were in another castle Another castle? King Koppa grabbed you By Bowser you were caught The koopa troops I fought, I did But you were never there is all Toad ever said But what you don't understand is I’d catch a Bob-Omb for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Jump right under a Thwomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’d run in front of Chain Chomp for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah) All the Goombas I'd stomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh Every level starts to look the same, Bullet bill is headed straight to my brain, Yes, I would die for ya baby; This ain't some kind of game. No, no, no, no Black, black, black and blue, had only 1 life left Tellin' Bowser he's a louse as I throw fire at his chest Back home, all alone, Think I don't know what's up? You and lazy Princess Daisy playing "Two Girls, One Up" I brought you back home And you got captured again You got captured again, yes you did To stay in one damn place is all I ever asked Cause what you don't understand is I’d beat Donkey Kong for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Play a dumb round of golf for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Dance in Bowser's old thong for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah) You know I'd even play Pong for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh I would go through all these games, Hell I'd even play Mario Paint, I'd lose a life for ya baby; But you won't do the same You know I'm at your service, ooh But now I'm so upset it seems I found out that you're caught on purpose By him every, every, EVERY time baby... But darling I’ll still catch a Bob-Omb for ya Jump right under a Thwomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’d run in front of Chain Chomp for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah) All the Goombas I'd stomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh I would go through all this pain, Or send Luigi, hey it's all the same, Yes, I would die for ya baby; But you just think I'm lame. No you wouldn't do the same, Not even in your game Ooh, you’ll never do the same, No, no, no, no
2.
Well, I don't know why I came here tonite I got a feeling that something ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall out this tree Now a Kangaroo is looking at me Piglet to the left of me, Tigger to the right Here I am, stuck in the Middle with Pooh Yes, I'm stuck in the Middle with Pooh and I'm wondering what it is I should do It's so hard to keep this smile from my face And there's honey spilled all over the place Owl to the left of me, Rabbit to the right Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with Pooh Well, you started out as stuffing and you find that you're a hand-made bear You go outside, kite-flying, Piglet's in the air, yellin' "Plea-ea-ea-ea-ease! A-Plea-ea-ea-ea-ease!" Try to make some sense of it all But I can see that it don't make sense at all You can try to pin the tail on Eeyore But I can see that it won't stick anymore Kanga to the left of me, Roo to the right Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with Pooh Well, you started out as stuffing and you find that you're a hand-made bear, You're running from the bumbles, they sting you on your back and you say "Bee-ee-ee-ee-ees! A-Bee-ee-ee-ee-ees!" Well, I don't know why I came here tonite I got a feeling that something ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall out this tree Now a Kangaroo is looking at me Piglet to the left of me, Tigger to the right Here I am, stuck in the Middle with Pooh Yes I'm Stuck in the Middle with Pooh Stuck in the Middle with Pooh Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with Pooh.
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No Sulfur and Brimstone, No Sea of Flame Hell Is Working a Register for minimum wage Where folks that can't even read, or count without hands and feet think they can talk down to me, 'cause i'm a retail employee push the rock up the hill as the day crawls by with sale items and dignity in short supply I don't want to sound needy and I'm not being greedy But if you buy our CD's, We can end this all today Chorus: Watch My soul get drained, for so little pay day in and day out, Get me outta retail Want more songs you say? Well I can't today Man, i'm begging you, Get me outta retail Watch My soul get drained, for so little pay day in and day out, Get me outta retail Want more songs you say? Well I can't today Man, i'm begging you, Get me outta retail I Hate people now, I used to Love 'em so and I curse whoever thought up that coupon show Back when I was a teen I thirsted for anarchy and now this job makes me see that i was probably right. I'm sure this jobs holding out on worker benefits my life's so much like 'clerks' I'm getting sued by Smith A bullet shield for complaints, it's hard to practice restraint It seems my only escape is people paying for this song Repeat Chorus Another Day another dollar, working retail once more I'm covering the store , Boss is lounging on the shore it's such a tragedy what is happening to me, been doin price changes since a quarter past three It's now 1am and i'm still changin them Keepin me here all night has got to be a sin But there's no overtime and i'm overworked gotta pick up the slack for the rest of these jerks I'm helping all the customers while on the sales floor if one walks out the door i'll be fired for sure but there's no one here to help me, I do it all myself Curse the boss under my breath as i restock the shelves This is bad for my health, why do I do this anyway? Oh yeah, That's right, my Rap career doesn't pay Swear i'll get a real job, never work retail again but like Godfather 3, They keep pulling me back in Repeat Chorus x2
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It drives me Nuts and I’ll tell you why You’re pickin’ on the little guy ‘Cause when an indie musician I know and love Just blatantly gets ripped off I get pissed, he was basically hacked ‘Cause you know that that beat was jacked Act like you just don’t care and I’m mad and I can’t stop swearin’ Oh cock balls! I wanna meet the singer And give him the finger He sang it oh so blandly And that shit you pulled makes me so angry Oooh legal team fights You say that you’re well within your rights Well excuse me, excuse me What you did was still rather douchy You’re on a mission To Hell with permission Your dream, team Got it goin’ like a Ponzi scheme I’m tired of crappy shows Pickin’ on the average joes You ripped off his song, he’s not even named You guys should be ashamed So fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!) Do you think they stole the cut? (Hell yeah!) Tell ‘em to shove it! (Shove it!) Shove it! (Shove it!) Shove it up their butt JoCo got jacked! JoCo got jacked! (scratch: “LA fakes with a JoCo rhythm.”) I hear his songs At cons, and when they come on I just can’t help myself I sing ‘em like a junkie I’m a code monkey I wanna have a meeting And (Raarggh!) eat your (Brains! Brains!) PETA’s gonna be enraged ‘Cause half-monkey-ponies are all the rage That’s why I’m so damn disappointed No point in being subtle Johnny C’s in trouble So I’m offering a rebuttal But I can’t even watch your show ‘Cause I canceled cable long ago And when they cancel your show I’ll keep listening to JoCo A word to the Fox execs while you’re cashing your big checks I don’t know what you planned next But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna (*FART!*) In your ugly face! But you’ll do it anyway A lot of fans won’t like this play ‘Cause you just knocked over a sound bank And you think you got away But his fans, yeah they mind And they tend to be the vocal kind So Reddit (Yeah!) Reddit (Yeah!) Do you wanna take back his credit? (Yeah!) Then spread the word, link it out All the fanboys got to shout JoCo got jacked! JoCo got jacked! (spoken: “Ya know, man? When it comes to TV Fox has very little to do with my selection. I’m still pissed at them for canceling Firefly.”) So you’re playin’ songs by Brandy Well that’s all fine and dandy But you don’t have to pay royalties when you cover a cover Well ain’t that handy? All he wants is credit For his work, jerks You can hide behind your lawyers But it still makes you a putz Some yes-men are gonna play their role And tell you that the song ain’t stole You spin it, and weave it But we ain’t dumb enough to believe it So what? Your shows a hit Well that don’t mean jack shit ‘Cause you still have to go through the proper methods And you still need ethics Aren’t you the ones always cryin’ piracy? This looks like it to me Gimme a break, ‘cause if I download it Your lawyers would have exploded You should fire whoever approved ‘Cause this really was a stupid move You got money but you chose to steal it And the internet’s quick to reveal it So maybe if you hear a song And you think you wanna put it on Dial 1-900-EAT-A-DICK And rip off someone else JoCo got jacked! JoCo got jacked!
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Saturdays in my room I would watch my cartoons I knew all the characters names But there was one girl who Was my whole SMURF world you Know she drove me smurfing insane Smurfette...Smurfette... You are (you are) the best woman yet. She's three apples high, sure She's simply to die for, But this part might seem a bit rude But I'd love to jam her Just like some small hamster Inside of my SMURF with a tube Smurfette...Smurfette... You are (you are) the best woman yet. She may be small breasted But she's been smurf-tested She even gives Vanity pause But all the Smurf fellas, Just like Gargamel does, Share an awful case of blue SMURF Smurfette...Smurfette... You are (you are) the best woman yet.
12.
Christmastime has come and gone I didn't give you a Christmas song but my friends, it's not too late we can still celebrate... While your family undecks its halls Everything is half price at the mall. And I'll just say my cards got lost in the mail Since my neighbors threw out their tree I picked it up, now it belongs to me And the popcorn garland really ain't all that stale Merry Belated Christmas It was just that time of year We just learned that the egg nog turned So have a cup of second hand cheer! Better late than never, that always rings true So Merry Belated Christmas to you. Instead of returning my unwanted gifts I'll give 'em to the folks that are on my lists Just hope I don't give you what you gave me I didn't get my picture on Santa's lap but a little Photoshop will take care of that! And won't folks be surprised to see Emma Stone on my knee (thanks Kyle) Merry Belated Christmas I'm just a little late this year Would have said it sooner but I heard a rumor that the world might not be here! Better late than never, that always rings true So Merry Belated Christmas to you. Santa's Workshop is closed (Santa's Workshop's closed) There's no more snow in Vermont (So just go to Maine) But I can still go (So why don't you go) And tell the Easter Bunny what I (you) want! The carolers are returning to the streets... (Merry Belated Christmas!) ...but now they're just singing "Trick or Treat" (Merry Belated Christmas!) It's really not that hard to make this mistake... (Merry Belated Christmas!) ...but no one knows the age of this fruitcake! Merry Belated Christmas I'm just a little late this year But if I sing this song for a little longer Santa will reappear! Better late than never, that always rings true So Merry Belated Christmas to you! ©2012 Ian Bonds/Idolize W.A.Y. Recordings
13.
Oh, Hi. It's TV's Kyle. I'm sure you're pleased to see I'm on the 7 seas. Just Austin, Ian and me. We're cruising all around on a makeshift sail barge. And we're living large. Although my phone can't recharge. We'd be plundering and stuff if we felt like getting up. On our pirate ship. We should get by by stealing. But I've got me a feeling it don't sound so appealing so we'll drink some darjeeling. Austin's playing the bass while I lay here on my face. On our pirate ship. While Kyle starts nappin', I'll start rappin' Y'all start clappin', 'cause I'm the captain! Sailin' around on our pirate ship You'll walk the plank if ya give me any lip but we don't have a plank, just a big tire swing and that's really just for fun more than anything It's great for lounging while we're out in the sun We like to have fun, no need for plunder-un' Now what was I sayin'? The sea started sprayin' and.. Oh, Hi it's TV's Kyle and I'm back from my nap. I hope you liked Ian's rap. Now let me get back on track. We're sailing across the seas. We're totally lost. On our pirate ship. Austin caught us a salmon. Which is ending our famine and it's totally slammin' I'll try not to examine that we have no way to cook what we got from Austin's hook On our pirate ship. So now I'm back, thought I had heat stroke this is no joke, we're totally broke we need to steal us some loot right quick i'll teach them to fear the end of my stick I have to use a stick, i have so sword Austin will beat 'em with his two by four and Kyle will just...lie there. While we work. This trip is the bomb, but why is the rum all gone? From our pirate ship?
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Some folks recognize I'm the clown of the class That I tend to be kind of a wise-ass I'm always quick to say something snappy Making you laugh is what makes me happy But there are times when I shouldn't speak I know it's wrong, but my will is weak And I think my friends would shove me in a creek To get this geek to shut his beak I tend to often run off at the mouth A verbal coffin, size of Brandon Routh That you're trapped inside and you can't get out And so my friends feel the need to shout Just like my pal TV's Kyle I said something to make him smile That's just my style, shout from the isle But you'd think I said something vile But what Kyle said to me upon that fateful night Is now repeated endlessly whenever I'm in sight! Shut Up, Ian! That's what he shouts! Why he does it, I can't figure it out! Shut Up, Ian! It's sad but true. But since he said it, EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO! Shut Up, Ian! I don't mean to rant, but it seems to be the brand new chant! Shut Up, Ian! That's what they say! It's such a simple phrase, but it ruins my day! As you can see this bothers me a lot You might think I'm being sensitive...I'm not. But you can't imagine how annoying it is To hear that phrase when you're trying to whiz, At the grocery store, at the local mall, I hear it whenever my grandmother calls It's enough to drive a person crazy! (I hear it most often from my wife, The Stacey) When I'm on a podcast and talking aloud About my new song, of which I'm most proud, As I am speaking I imagine a crowd All ready to shout it, but that's not allowed! I know when I speak I am taking a gamble 'Cause I have a tendency to endlessly ramble This clearly leaves me emotionally scarred Some folks may not say it, BUT THEY THINK IT REALLY HARD! Every single day it happens, why do this to me? My name's Insane, but just the same, NOW I NEED THERAPY! Shut Up, Ian! That's what they say! It's such a simple phrase but it ruins my day! Shut Up, Ian! It's sad but true. Why do this to me? I wouldn't to you! Shut Up, Ian! You're making me sad. Why does everyone remind me of my dad? Shut Up, Ian! That's the name of this song. Here comes the bridge, now you'll all sing along! I reviewed a game! Shut Up, Ian! This pasta is lame! Shut Up, Ian! I think that I fear ticks! Shut Up, Ian! All songs have lyrics! Shut Up, Ian! I'm making a list Shut Up, Ian! You're making me pissed Shut Up, Ian! Wil Wheaton had me blocked Shut Up, Ian! Achievement Unlocked? Shut Up, Ian! This was starting to become an issue I should probably have bought stock in tissues But then something crazy occurred And changed the life of this small nerd Instead of letting this affect my health And tearing down my social wealth I put my pride upon a shelf And learned to just censor myself! Instead of rambling on and on I'll stop myself from saying something dumb I won't try to stop everyone From yelling at me...'cause they're having fun! It's all ok, It's only feelings I'm not deflecting, no, I'm dealing! This revelation has sent me reeling I'll take it back with THUNDER STEALING! Instead of taking history and trying to erase it I think it might be good of me if I were to embrace it! Shut Up, Ian! is what I say to me, foot so far in my mouth that I choke on my knee... Shut Up, Ian! That's what I say! It's just a simple phrase to help me through the day! Shut Up, Ian! I hear it a lot. You might think I'm crazy. Well, I'm not. Shut Up, Ian! That's the name of this song. I've stolen your thunder, no need to sing along!
15.
[Insane Ian:] Now and then I like to watch a zombie movie I often wonder what it's like when you can't die Told myself that it would not come true But read some strange stuff in the daily news 'Bout a man who turned a homeless guy into sushi You can get addicted to a certain kind of bath salts Ones that cause hallucinations, like PCP So, Even though that theory does make sense I'm not exactly filled with confidence Like how was that guy still eating after he's shot But he didn't have to chew it off Make out like it never happened and then kept on chewing And there's the guy who stabbed himself And pulled out his intestines like some magic trick I've already seen this show It happened last season on the Walking Dead I guess that's just how it goes They're acting like some zombies by George Romero Now they're like some zombies by George Romero Now they're like some zombies by George Romero [The Stacey:] Now and then I think of all the times you watched those movies Then you meet a zombie and get bit when you should've run And Although it's such a tragedy D'you know what it seems like to me? I tell myself it isn't so But you're starting to act just like some zombie by Romero [Insane Ian:] And now you have to cut it off I mean my head, that is, or shoot me in the brain and kill me 'Cause suddenly I'm eating flesh And I treat it like a Subway when I hear "Eat Fresh" No I do not have to walk so slow But rigor mortis has set in and my joints are tight now I guess that I can't run no more Now I'm just some zombie that you used to know [x2] A zombie (You used to know) A zombie (Now I'm just some zombie by George Romero) (George Romero) (by George Romero) (George Romero) A zombie

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Insane Ian's second b-side collection, featuring various collaborations and FuMP tracks that won't be on his next full-length CD.

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released March 8, 2014

Cover design by Insane Ian
Final cover image by Kyle A. Carrozza

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Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

Insane (adj): shocking, outrageous

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God" - Dr Demento

“If you like video games and hiphop and you don't listen to Insane Ian...You're. Missing. Out.” - Mikey Mason (on The Funny Music Podcast)

"...the guy who's an even-geekier heir to the Weird Al throne..." - Jay Hathaway (URLesque)

Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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