And Featuring Insane Ian as Himself

by Insane Ian

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about

Insane Ian's second b-side collection, featuring various collaborations and FuMP tracks that won't be on his next full-length CD.

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released March 8, 2014

Cover design by Insane Ian
Final cover image by Kyle A. Carrozza

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Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God..." - Dr Demento (The Dr Demento Show)

“If you like video games and hiphop and you don't listen to Insane Ian...You're. Missing. Out.” - Mikey Mason (on The Funny Music Podcast)

"...the guy who's an even-geekier heir to the Weird Al throne..." - Jay Hathaway (URLesque)

Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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Track Name: Bob-Omb (Inverse Phase remix)
Princess Peach, out of reach
That's just how you are, Life
in the Mushroom Kingdom
Shouldn't be this stinkin' hard
Should have known you were gone in the first instant
But you were in another castle
Another castle?
King Koppa grabbed you
By Bowser you were caught
The koopa troops I fought, I did
But you were never there is all Toad ever said
But what you don't understand is
I’d catch a Bob-Omb for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Jump right under a Thwomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d run in front of Chain Chomp for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
All the Goombas I'd stomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
Every level starts to look the same,
Bullet bill is headed straight to my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
This ain't some kind of game.

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue, had only 1 life left
Tellin' Bowser he's a louse as I throw fire at his chest
Back home, all alone,
Think I don't know what's up?
You and lazy Princess Daisy playing "Two Girls, One Up"
I brought you back home
And you got captured again
You got captured again, yes you did
To stay in one damn place is all I ever asked
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d beat Donkey Kong for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Play a dumb round of golf for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Dance in Bowser's old thong for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd even play Pong for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would go through all these games,
Hell I'd even play Mario Paint,
I'd lose a life for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

You know I'm at your service, ooh
But now I'm so upset it seems
I found out that you're caught on purpose
By him every, every, EVERY time baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a Bob-Omb for ya
Jump right under a Thwomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d run in front of Chain Chomp for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
All the Goombas I'd stomp for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Or send Luigi, hey it's all the same,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you just think I'm lame.
No you wouldn't do the same,
Not even in your game
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no
Track Name: Christopher Robin's Lament
Well, I don't know why I came here tonite
I got a feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall out this tree
Now a Kangaroo is looking at me

Piglet to the left of me, Tigger to the right
Here I am, stuck in the Middle with Pooh

Yes, I'm stuck in the Middle with Pooh
and I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
And there's honey spilled all over the place

Owl to the left of me, Rabbit to the right
Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with Pooh

Well, you started out as stuffing and you find that you're a hand-made bear
You go outside, kite-flying, Piglet's in the air, yellin'
"Plea-ea-ea-ea-ease! A-Plea-ea-ea-ea-ease!"

Try to make some sense of it all
But I can see that it don't make sense at all
You can try to pin the tail on Eeyore
But I can see that it won't stick anymore

Kanga to the left of me, Roo to the right
Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with Pooh

Well, you started out as stuffing and you find that you're a hand-made bear,
You're running from the bumbles, they sting you on your back and you say
"Bee-ee-ee-ee-ees! A-Bee-ee-ee-ee-ees!"

Well, I don't know why I came here tonite
I got a feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall out this tree
Now a Kangaroo is looking at me

Piglet to the left of me, Tigger to the right
Here I am, stuck in the Middle with Pooh

Yes I'm Stuck in the Middle with Pooh

Stuck in the Middle with Pooh

Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with Pooh.
Track Name: Sci-Fried - Get Me Outta Retail (featuring Insane Ian)
No Sulfur and Brimstone, No Sea of Flame
Hell Is Working a Register for minimum wage
Where folks that can't even read, or count without hands and feet
think they can talk down to me, 'cause i'm a retail employee
push the rock up the hill as the day crawls by
with sale items and dignity in short supply
I don't want to sound needy and I'm not being greedy
But if you buy our CD's, We can end this all today

Chorus:
Watch My soul get drained, for so little pay
day in and day out, Get me outta retail
Want more songs you say?
Well I can't today
Man, i'm begging you, Get me outta retail
Watch My soul get drained, for so little pay
day in and day out, Get me outta retail
Want more songs you say?
Well I can't today
Man, i'm begging you, Get me outta retail

I Hate people now, I used to Love 'em so
and I curse whoever thought up that coupon show
Back when I was a teen I thirsted for anarchy
and now this job makes me see that i was probably right.
I'm sure this jobs holding out on worker benefits
my life's so much like 'clerks' I'm getting sued by Smith
A bullet shield for complaints, it's hard to practice restraint
It seems my only escape is people paying for this song

Repeat Chorus

Another Day another dollar, working retail once more
I'm covering the store , Boss is lounging on the shore
it's such a tragedy what is happening to me,
been doin price changes since a quarter past three
It's now 1am and i'm still changin them
Keepin me here all night has got to be a sin
But there's no overtime and i'm overworked
gotta pick up the slack for the rest of these jerks
I'm helping all the customers while on the sales floor
if one walks out the door i'll be fired for sure
but there's no one here to help me, I do it all myself
Curse the boss under my breath as i restock the shelves
This is bad for my health, why do I do this anyway?
Oh yeah, That's right, my Rap career doesn't pay
Swear i'll get a real job, never work retail again
but like Godfather 3, They keep pulling me back in

Repeat Chorus x2
Track Name: JoCo Got Jacked (JoCo as a MoFo Version - Devo Spice Cover)
It drives me
Nuts and I’ll tell you why
You’re pickin’ on the little guy
‘Cause when an indie musician I know and love
Just blatantly gets ripped off
I get pissed, he was basically hacked
‘Cause you know that that beat was jacked
Act like you just don’t care and
I’m mad and I can’t stop swearin’
Oh cock balls! I wanna meet the singer
And give him the finger
He sang it oh so blandly
And that shit you pulled makes me so angry
Oooh legal team fights
You say that you’re well within your rights
Well excuse me, excuse me
What you did was still rather douchy
You’re on a mission
To Hell with permission
Your dream, team
Got it goin’ like a Ponzi scheme
I’m tired of crappy shows
Pickin’ on the average joes
You ripped off his song, he’s not even named
You guys should be ashamed
So fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Do you think they stole the cut? (Hell yeah!)
Tell ‘em to shove it! (Shove it!) Shove it! (Shove it!)
Shove it up their butt
JoCo got jacked!
JoCo got jacked!
(scratch: “LA fakes with a JoCo rhythm.”)

I hear his songs
At cons, and when they come on
I just can’t help myself I sing ‘em like a junkie
I’m a code monkey
I wanna have a meeting
And (Raarggh!) eat your (Brains! Brains!)
PETA’s gonna be enraged
‘Cause half-monkey-ponies are all the rage
That’s why I’m so damn disappointed
No point in being subtle
Johnny C’s in trouble
So I’m offering a rebuttal
But I can’t even watch your show
‘Cause I canceled cable long ago
And when they cancel your show
I’ll keep listening to JoCo
A word to the Fox execs while you’re cashing your big checks
I don’t know what you planned next
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna (*FART!*)
In your ugly face!
But you’ll do it anyway
A lot of fans won’t like this play
‘Cause you just knocked over a sound bank
And you think you got away
But his fans, yeah they mind
And they tend to be the vocal kind
So Reddit (Yeah!) Reddit (Yeah!)
Do you wanna take back his credit? (Yeah!)
Then spread the word, link it out
All the fanboys got to shout
JoCo got jacked!
JoCo got jacked!

(spoken: “Ya know, man? When it comes to TV Fox has very little to do with my selection. I’m still pissed at them for canceling Firefly.”)

So you’re playin’ songs by Brandy
Well that’s all fine and dandy
But you don’t have to pay royalties when you cover a cover
Well ain’t that handy?
All he wants is credit
For his work, jerks
You can hide behind your lawyers
But it still makes you a putz
Some yes-men are gonna play their role
And tell you that the song ain’t stole
You spin it, and weave it
But we ain’t dumb enough to believe it
So what? Your shows a hit
Well that don’t mean jack shit
‘Cause you still have to go through the proper methods
And you still need ethics
Aren’t you the ones always cryin’ piracy?
This looks like it to me
Gimme a break, ‘cause if I download it
Your lawyers would have exploded
You should fire whoever approved
‘Cause this really was a stupid move
You got money but you chose to steal it
And the internet’s quick to reveal it
So maybe if you hear a song
And you think you wanna put it on
Dial 1-900-EAT-A-DICK
And rip off someone else
JoCo got jacked!
JoCo got jacked!
Track Name: A Little Blue (clean version)
Saturdays in my room
I would watch my cartoons
I knew all the characters names
But there was one girl who
Was my whole SMURF world you
Know she drove me smurfing insane

Smurfette...Smurfette...
You are (you are) the best woman yet.

She's three apples high, sure
She's simply to die for,
But this part might seem a bit rude
But I'd love to jam her
Just like some small hamster
Inside of my SMURF with a tube

Smurfette...Smurfette...
You are (you are) the best woman yet.

She may be small breasted
But she's been smurf-tested
She even gives Vanity pause
But all the Smurf fellas,
Just like Gargamel does,
Share an awful case of blue SMURF

Smurfette...Smurfette...
You are (you are) the best woman yet.
Track Name: Merry Belated Christmas
Christmastime has come and gone
I didn't give you a Christmas song
but my friends, it's not too late
we can still celebrate...

While your family undecks its halls
Everything is half price at the mall.
And I'll just say my cards got lost in the mail

Since my neighbors threw out their tree
I picked it up, now it belongs to me
And the popcorn garland really ain't all that stale

Merry Belated Christmas
It was just that time of year
We just learned that the egg nog turned
So have a cup of second hand cheer!
Better late than never, that always rings true
So Merry Belated Christmas to you.

Instead of returning my unwanted gifts
I'll give 'em to the folks that are on my lists
Just hope I don't give you what you gave me

I didn't get my picture on Santa's lap
but a little Photoshop will take care of that!
And won't folks be surprised to see Emma Stone on my knee (thanks Kyle)

Merry Belated Christmas
I'm just a little late this year
Would have said it sooner but I heard a rumor
that the world might not be here!
Better late than never, that always rings true
So Merry Belated Christmas to you.

Santa's Workshop is closed (Santa's Workshop's closed)
There's no more snow in Vermont (So just go to Maine)
But I can still go (So why don't you go)
And tell the Easter Bunny what I (you) want!

The carolers are returning to the streets...
(Merry Belated Christmas!)
...but now they're just singing "Trick or Treat"
(Merry Belated Christmas!)
It's really not that hard to make this mistake...
(Merry Belated Christmas!)
...but no one knows the age of this fruitcake!

Merry Belated Christmas
I'm just a little late this year
But if I sing this song for a little longer
Santa will reappear!
Better late than never, that always rings true
So Merry Belated Christmas to you!

©2012 Ian Bonds/Idolize W.A.Y. Recordings
Track Name: TV's Kyle - Pirate Ship (featuring Austin Ash and Insane Ian)
Oh, Hi. It's TV's Kyle. I'm sure you're pleased to see
I'm on the 7 seas.
Just Austin, Ian and me.

We're cruising all around on a makeshift sail barge.
And we're living large.
Although my phone can't recharge.

We'd be plundering and stuff if we felt like getting up.
On our pirate ship.

We should get by by stealing.
But I've got me a feeling
it don't sound so appealing
so we'll drink some darjeeling.

Austin's playing the bass
while I lay here on my face.
On our pirate ship.

While Kyle starts nappin', I'll start rappin'
Y'all start clappin', 'cause I'm the captain!
Sailin' around on our pirate ship
You'll walk the plank if ya give me any lip
but we don't have a plank, just a big tire swing
and that's really just for fun more than anything
It's great for lounging while we're out in the sun
We like to have fun, no need for plunder-un'
Now what was I sayin'? The sea started sprayin'
and..

Oh, Hi it's TV's Kyle and I'm back from my nap.
I hope you liked Ian's rap.
Now let me get back on track.

We're sailing across
the seas. We're totally lost.
On our pirate ship.

Austin caught us a salmon.
Which is ending our famine
and it's totally slammin'
I'll try not to examine

that we have no way to cook
what we got from Austin's hook
On our pirate ship.

So now I'm back, thought I had heat stroke
this is no joke, we're totally broke
we need to steal us some loot right quick
i'll teach them to fear the end of my stick
I have to use a stick, i have so sword
Austin will beat 'em with his two by four
and Kyle will just...lie there. While we work.

This trip is the bomb,
but why is the rum all gone?
From our pirate ship?
Track Name: Shut Up, Ian (live from LukeSkiCon)
Some folks recognize I'm the clown of the class
That I tend to be kind of a wise-ass
I'm always quick to say something snappy
Making you laugh is what makes me happy
But there are times when I shouldn't speak
I know it's wrong, but my will is weak
And I think my friends would shove me in a creek
To get this geek to shut his beak
I tend to often run off at the mouth
A verbal coffin, size of Brandon Routh
That you're trapped inside and you can't get out
And so my friends feel the need to shout
Just like my pal TV's Kyle
I said something to make him smile
That's just my style, shout from the isle
But you'd think I said something vile

But what Kyle said to me upon that fateful night
Is now repeated endlessly whenever I'm in sight!

Shut Up, Ian! That's what he shouts! Why he does it, I can't figure it out!
Shut Up, Ian! It's sad but true. But since he said it, EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO!
Shut Up, Ian! I don't mean to rant, but it seems to be the brand new chant!
Shut Up, Ian! That's what they say! It's such a simple phrase, but it ruins my day!

As you can see this bothers me a lot
You might think I'm being sensitive...I'm not.
But you can't imagine how annoying it is
To hear that phrase when you're trying to whiz,
At the grocery store, at the local mall,
I hear it whenever my grandmother calls
It's enough to drive a person crazy!
(I hear it most often from my wife, The Stacey)
When I'm on a podcast and talking aloud
About my new song, of which I'm most proud,
As I am speaking I imagine a crowd
All ready to shout it, but that's not allowed!
I know when I speak I am taking a gamble
'Cause I have a tendency to endlessly ramble
This clearly leaves me emotionally scarred
Some folks may not say it, BUT THEY THINK IT REALLY HARD!

Every single day it happens, why do this to me?
My name's Insane, but just the same, NOW I NEED THERAPY!

Shut Up, Ian! That's what they say! It's such a simple phrase but it ruins my day!
Shut Up, Ian! It's sad but true. Why do this to me? I wouldn't to you!
Shut Up, Ian! You're making me sad. Why does everyone remind me of my dad?
Shut Up, Ian! That's the name of this song. Here comes the bridge, now you'll all sing along!

I reviewed a game!
Shut Up, Ian!
This pasta is lame!
Shut Up, Ian!
I think that I fear ticks!
Shut Up, Ian!
All songs have lyrics!
Shut Up, Ian!
I'm making a list
Shut Up, Ian!
You're making me pissed
Shut Up, Ian!
Wil Wheaton had me blocked
Shut Up, Ian!
Achievement Unlocked?
Shut Up, Ian!

This was starting to become an issue
I should probably have bought stock in tissues
But then something crazy occurred
And changed the life of this small nerd
Instead of letting this affect my health
And tearing down my social wealth
I put my pride upon a shelf
And learned to just censor myself!
Instead of rambling on and on
I'll stop myself from saying something dumb
I won't try to stop everyone
From yelling at me...'cause they're having fun!
It's all ok, It's only feelings
I'm not deflecting, no, I'm dealing!
This revelation has sent me reeling
I'll take it back with THUNDER STEALING!

Instead of taking history and trying to erase it
I think it might be good of me if I were to embrace it!

Shut Up, Ian! is what I say to me, foot so far in my mouth that I choke on my knee...
Shut Up, Ian! That's what I say! It's just a simple phrase to help me through the day!
Shut Up, Ian! I hear it a lot. You might think I'm crazy. Well, I'm not.
Shut Up, Ian! That's the name of this song. I've stolen your thunder, no need to sing along!
Track Name: Some Zombie by George Romero (featuring The Stacey)
[Insane Ian:]
Now and then I like to watch a zombie movie
I often wonder what it's like when you can't die
Told myself that it would not come true
But read some strange stuff in the daily news
'Bout a man who turned a homeless guy into sushi

You can get addicted to a certain kind of bath salts
Ones that cause hallucinations, like PCP
So, Even though that theory does make sense
I'm not exactly filled with confidence
Like how was that guy still eating after he's shot

But he didn't have to chew it off
Make out like it never happened and then kept on chewing
And there's the guy who stabbed himself
And pulled out his intestines like some magic trick
I've already seen this show
It happened last season on the Walking Dead
I guess that's just how it goes
They're acting like some zombies by George Romero

Now they're like some zombies by George Romero
Now they're like some zombies by George Romero

[The Stacey:]
Now and then I think of all the times you watched those movies
Then you meet a zombie and get bit when you should've run
And Although it's such a tragedy
D'you know what it seems like to me?
I tell myself it isn't so
But you're starting to act just like some zombie by Romero

[Insane Ian:]
And now you have to cut it off
I mean my head, that is, or shoot me in the brain and kill me
'Cause suddenly I'm eating flesh
And I treat it like a Subway when I hear "Eat Fresh"
No I do not have to walk so slow
But rigor mortis has set in and my joints are tight now
I guess that I can't run no more
Now I'm just some zombie that you used to know

[x2]
A zombie
(You used to know)
A zombie
(Now I'm just some zombie by George Romero)

(George Romero)
(by George Romero)
(George Romero)
A zombie