Songs For Superheroes

by Insane Ian

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Insane Ian's EP of comic book comedy

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released October 27, 2012

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Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God..." - Dr Demento (The Dr Demento Show)

“If you like video games and hiphop and you don't listen to Insane Ian...You're. Missing. Out.” - Mikey Mason (on The Funny Music Podcast)

"...the guy who's an even-geekier heir to the Weird Al throne..." - Jay Hathaway (URLesque)

Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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Track Name: Super-Powers
If you were a super hero, what would your powers be?
Would you have great strength or move at really fast speeds?
Or would folks run & hide when you got angry?
'Cause with any great power comes responsibility
There's so many heroes in the world at large
you need a score card just to tell 'em apart
Like which one's a member of the new X-Men
or who's backstory just got retconned again?
Do your parents have to die in some horrible fashion?
Or get radiation without an allergic reaction?
Will you get signed up for some government program,
Will your new hero name simply end with "man"?
Will you lose one sense but have the other ones heightened?
or chose a symbol to wear to keep your enemies frightened?
Will you have heat vision or the power of flight?
Doesn't matter, just as long as you look good in tights!

Chorus:
Jump Up! Up, up and away
Steal the sun and save it for a rainy day.
Your foes will scream and cower
'cause they're no match for your super powers!

So like any comic fan I have always fantasized
'bout the powers I could use in my war on crime
I could stare at traffic lights until they turn to green
or use the power of my mind to finally stop Charlie Sheen
I wanna use telepathy to move that boulder away
but it only works if it's made out of paper mache
I could make an ounce of ketchup every time that I sneezed
or simply think about milk and it would turn into cheese
You know what super power could really be fun?
If whatever you looked at flew right into the sun
Make a guy from the KKK suddenly black
or impregnate any girl by eye contact
You could have any power! Whatever you wish!
Except Aquamans, who wants to talk to fish?
Encase your enemies in a giant booger.
Don't make me angry, I'll excrete powdered sugar.

Chorus
Jump Up! Up, up and away
Steal the sun and save it for a rainy day.
Your foes will scream and cower
'cause they're no match for your super powers!
So when I say "Super", you say "Powers"
Super! (Powers!) Super! (Powers!)
Now when I say super, you say powers
Super! (Powers!) Super! (Powers!)

So now that I've got the powers, do you know what comes in next?
With every comic action comes some comic sound effects
Like a "boff" or a "pow" or a "thwacK" will do the trick
Maybe a "Bamf" or a "Thwip" or possibly a "Snikt!"
I'll have a secret lair hidden underneath my homes
Or Adamantium grafted onto my bones
I'll have a huge cape made from a lion's pelt
or some extra Batarangs in my utility belt
When you need my help, shine my signal in the sky!
Or call the super secret Mayor's office line
I'll have to be careful around every enemy
Don't want them to learn my secret identity
'cause they might take a shot at the ones I love the most
It's hard to fight crime when your sidekick is toast
(But) No one ever stays dead. They'll all live again!
Unless you're Batman's parents, or your name is Uncle Ben

Chrous
Jump Up! Up, up and away
Steal the sun and save it for a rainy day.
Your foes will scream and cower
'cause they're no match for your super powers!
So when I say "Super", you say "Powers"
Super! (Powers!) Super! (Powers!)
Now when I say super, you say powers
Super! (Powers!) Super! (Powers!)
Jump Up! Up, up and away
Steal the sun and save it for a rainy day.
Your foes will scream and cower
'cause they're no match for your super powers!
Track Name: Spider-Ham
Homer Simpson: Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig, does whatever a...huh? Oohh!
He's not Spider-Pig anymore...he's Spider-HAM!

II: Spider-Ham, Spider-Ham
Peter Porker, Spider-Ham
He's part pig and part bug
Catches thieves while in the mud
Look out, here comes the Spider-Ham

Is he strong? Is he big?
He's an anthropomorphic pig.
Catches truffles with a thread
Favorite movie is "Charlotte's Web"
Hey, there! There goes the Spider-Ham

In a lab late at night, a spider's bitten by a swine
While that doesn't seem right, He survives to fight crime

Spider-Ham, Spider-Ham
Take out the middle and you're left with "Spam"
Saves the city of New York
He's not kosher 'cause he's pork
Look out, here comes the Spider-Ham

Look out!

Go piggie!

Oi(nk)! (x24)

Captain Americat helps send villains to their room
The King-Pig sure hates that, as does ol' Ducktor Doom!

Spider-Ham, Spider-Ham
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham
Each comic is full of fun
And even more piggy puns
Bad guys, whatever they are takin'
He's gonna fry their bacon
You'll find the Spider-Ham!

©2012 Idolize W.A.Y. Music/Ian Bonds
Track Name: Hard Corps (Green Lantern's Light - 2012) - feat. The Stacey
Young Hal Jordan was a simple test pilot
No matter what it was, he knew how to fly it
when one strange night he saw a light in the sky
and met an alien who was about to die
He was the protector of sector 2814
and he needed Hal to take his place in the corps
Green Lanterns protect every species and race
they're something kind of like the Police, but in space
They use their power ring to enforce pure justice
like when you're terrorized by a sentient fungus
It ain't easy being green, but Hal knows the score
Their sheer power of will is what makes them Hard Corps

Chorus:
In Brightest day, In Blackest Night
No Evil Shall Escape My Sight
To Those That Worship Evil's Might
Beware My Power, Green Lantern's Light!

So Hal joins their ranks, their first human recruit
and with the power of his mind he puts on his super suit
the ring can construct anything from your mind
it's like having some jewelry that can make CGi
it can make a giant fist to bitch slap the bad guys
or a giant sledge hammer to smash 'em down to size
in fact nothing is small, I can't think of one thing
it's like he might be trying to compensate for something
So Hal flies around but he's a bit of a tool
but the ladies who drool could fill up a Dead Pool
Carol Ferris seems to think Hal is such a smooth talker
but her leaked cell phone pics could make him a Nightstalker

Chorus

Now Hal's not the only member of the Corps
there's 3200 others, maybe more
like Killowag, who's brute strength is so great
or that guy who kind of looks like a fish without bait
Sinestro teaches Hal to suppress his fear
But to his own words Sinestro should adhere
Green is for willpower, so strong and mellow
But the color of fear is dark and yellow
So despite all his strength
and all of his powers
He's a hero that's killed
By Golden Showers?

Chorus
Track Name: Ant-Man
"Ant-Man" Parody of Taxman by The Beatles
(George Harrison) New lyrics by Ian Bonds

Hello My name is Henry Pym
I command bugs to do my whim
'Cause I'm the Ant Man
yeah, I'm the Ant Man

Some heroes names are animals
But I named my own particles
'Cause I'm the Ant Man
yeah, I'm the Ant Man

(The Ah-Ven-Gers-Gers) they are my crew
(When I get Drunk-Drunk) it makes me rude
(Pym Part-i-cles-cles) make me tiny, dude
(During your pin-nic-nic) I won't steal your food

ANT-MAN!

Tho smallness might hurt my image (Ant-Man, you're so tiny)
(I) don't wor-ry about shrinkage (Ant-man, oh grow up!)
'Cause I'm the Ant Man
Yeah, I'm the Ant Man

I am the one villains will fear (ANT MAN!)
Though some Bug Spray will wreck my year (ANT MAN!)
I'm just the Ant Man
Yeah, I'm the Ant Man

And you just can't see me at all (ANT MAN!)
Track Name: Über Shrug
Uber Shrug was a superhero of mild indifference
Last I heard, he killed the dodo bird
But we haven't heard from him since
I remember that he wouldn't stop a bank robbery
Unless the robber was blocking his line
If you can hear our pleas, come help us please
But we don't really expect a reply

This is a song for Uber Shrug, the greatest under appreciated superhero
Some say that he could fly
But we'll never know if he never shows
His spandex was tight; could eat three meals in one bite
So won't you bring back the disguise, yeah it's alright

Uber Shrug was Japanese; he wrestled bears in the nude
He liked anime and mayonnaise
And he wore bright orange shoes
Some say he's the savior we need, and others might disagree
But who can argue at a time like this
You might think that he's rude, but show me some other dude
Who sends you flying with a flick of the wrist

This is a song for Uber Shrug, the greatest and most awesome underrated superhero
Some say that he was shy
He could lift a truck and turn into a duck
He could regenerate limbs, didn't have to pay his taxes
But now he's gone and no one cries, but it's alright

This is a song for Uber Shrug, the world's most freaking awesome undervalued superhero
Some say that he couldn't die
He could drink anti-freeze, beat Ninja Gaiden with ease
He never once cursed, he tanned with a gamma burst
And I for one thought he was fly, but it's alright
Track Name: Batman
[Verse 1]
If I was the Batman, I’d never let you go
I would save the day and be everyone's hero
My secret identity no one would ever know
Put a stop to Mr. Freeze before he makes it snow
(Bat, Bat, Man) on you
Put him in Arkham where I sent the Riddler too
I don't know about Penguin, maybe put him in the zoo
So say hello to the Joker in three, two, Bat

[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to shoot a grappling hook
Hey girl, let me rescue you

[Chorus]
If I was the Batman, never let you go
I'd Keep you from harm girl, you’d never be alone
I would join the Justice League, keep the planet safe
If I was the Batman, I’d never let you fall, I’d never let you fall

[Verse 2]
I would be the Batman of our own Gotham City
You could be Catwoman, have nine lives like a kitty
What you think about that, yeah, well that's just a pity
Girl don't be mad, yeah, your attitude is...crappy
Sidekick, sidekick, how about my sidekick?
You could be my sidekick and do a nice high kick
Make you fight all the goons, hit their faces like a brick
You're a girl like Barbara, not a boy like Dick
Robin

[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to save everyone at once
Hey girl, don't get blown up

[Chorus]
If I was the Batman, I'd travel round the world
Learn the samurai skills, train with Ra's Al Gul
I can take out Superman, with a Krypton ring
If I was the Batman, I’d never let you fall, I’d never let you fall

[Bridge]
With my batarangs, and utility belt, girl
Spend a mint on my toys, you know they're so wonderful
If I was Batman (If I was Batman), I'd watch for your signal, girl
I just want to drive that Batmobile!

[Chorus]
If I was the Batman (Batman), never let you fall
I'd Keep you from harm girl, I would scale your wall (scale your wall)
I can be a detective (detective), solving every crime
If I was the Batman (Batman), I’d never let you go, never let you go

Na na na, na na na, na na na
Yeah girl
Na-na na-na, na-na na-na, na-na na-na ey
Batman
Na-na na-na, na-na na-na, na-na na-na ey
Na-na na-na, na-na na-na, na-na na-na ey
If I was the Batman
Track Name: The Great Lakes Avengers Theme
Well we know of the adventures
of New York's own Avengers
and all of their heroic daring do
But go tell old Lyndon Johnson
'bout the heroes from Wisconsin
and all the crazy things they get into

They're the Great Lakes Avengers!
Not just some pretenders
Fighting for what's right in the Midwest!
Great Lakes Avengers!
None can match their splendor!
They're the hero team that we like best!

Well they may not be well known
But they call the Great Lakes home
Protecting Midwest folks from state to state!
Tell the villains "run and pray
'cause here comes the GLA!"
Even though their fighting skill is not that great...

GREAT LAKES AVENGERS, ASSEMBLE!
Announcer:
Flatman! He's the 2D Avenger
Mr. Immortal! Death is his next adventure
Doorman! Teleports you right next door!
Big Bertha! Call her fat and you'll be sore!
Tippy Toe! She's just a small squirrel
Squirrel Girl! It's the squirrel's nuts she hurls!

These are the members
of the Great Lakes Avengers
Strangest Superheroes of all time!
Great Lakes Avenegers
They don't wear suspenders
But that's all we thought of that would rhyme!

Announcer:
*Not officially endorsed by The Avengers.
Track Name: The Misadventures of Dave - by Austin Aeschliman featuring Patrick White, Grant Baciocco, Insane Ian, Devo Spice, Dino-Mike, and TV's Kyle
The Misadventures of Dave
Script by Austin Aeschliman

Dave- Austin Aeschliman
Johnny- Patrick White
Narrator- Grant Baciocco
Chief- Devo Spice
Badguyman- Insane Ian
Montage vocals- Dino-Mike
Introduction- TV's Kyle

Intro Talking Guy: It’s time for everyone’s favorite shh---, well it’s what you listen to when nothing good is on TV. The Misadventures of Dave, brought to you by SmashyClaw.com

ACT I: The Part Where It Begins and the Audience is Introduced to the Characters Maybe

Narrator: This is the story of a guy, a guy named Dave, yep just Dave. A lazy everyday American who is often found sitting on his couch in his underwear eating cheap potato chips and playing Pong. One day Dave got off of his couch to get some snacks, as he walked down the street people passing by stared in absolute ah of the bed sours that covered him, almost like those freaks that get there entire body tattooed, yeah them. While he was walking near a hospital his foot became stuck to the sidewalk due to gum left there by a common jerk, as he struggled with getting free, senile Betty Sue who was staying in the top floor of the hospital because she got clawed severely when trying to put her cat in the oven, decided it was a grand idea to randomly throw a bed pan out the window. The bed pan full of an unidentified liquid fell from the sky. Dave looked up from his stuck shoe and the bed pan hit him straight in the forehead and (Insert Scientific Reason Here) he suddenly gained an extremely powerful sense of smell, random moments of amnesia, and now he can fly… wait he can fly? That doesn't seem right, how does that relate to getting hit in the head? Oh well, giant plot holes are the writers problem not the narrator's. Anyway as things go Dave decided for some personal reason to fight crime with these powers and even gained a sidekick, a fifteen year old very nerdy, pail white, nine fingered boy with no super power whatsoever. We'll call him Johnny. Let's watch them now as they sit on the couch.

Dave: Look at those pedals fly!

Johnny: Oh, you are so going down!

Dave: How are you gonna beat me at Pong? You don’t have half your fingers!

Johnny: But I'm only missing one

Dave: Either way, advantage: Dave.

Narrator: Just then Dave suddenly forgot what was going on due to the amnesia I was describing earlier.

Dave: Um, uh, what were we talking about, something about soup?

Johnny: We were talking about… how you were gonna give me fifty dollars.

Dave: Really? Hey, wait! You’re utilizing my amnestic condition in order to unjustly procure funds. Luckily, my wits were about me and I saw through your devious plot to deplete me of my currency. I have half the mind to throw you in a vat of boiling chocolate!

Johnny: Oh, you keep saying that but I haven't seen it happen yet. (Phone rings.)

Dave: Hello?

Chief: Hey Dave, it's the chief of police again, I've got a crime that actually could use your pathetic super powers.

Dave: Does it pay anything?

Chief: Um… uh, okay, how about the next time you a steal an Atari cartridge from the video store, we won't bring you to jail. I mean you can get one on eBay for like two dollars.

Dave: I know but I keep spending all my money on food items with the face of famous religious figures on them.

Chief: Alright, alright, how about I give you… um… an X-Box 360

Narrator: And just then Dave's eyes started to water and a chorus of angels started doing that high pitched harmony you always hear, you know that thing that kind of sounds like the sound at the beginning of The Simpsons Theme? Sound. That's it.

Dave: Alright, I'll do it.

Narrator: Then Dave went over to the Atari console and chucked it out the window

Johnny: What do you think you're doing!

Dave: Dude, I’m on speaker phone. Didn’t you hear? 360?

Chief: Only if you complete the mission!

Dave: But, uh, work is stupid.

ACT II: There’s a Bad Guy Man Named Badguyman and He Progresses the Plot

Narrator: The chief told Dave the mission; word went around that a bad guy by the name of Badguyman was planning to destroy the planet by planting the vilest stink bombs ever devised all across the globe, because Dave could smell so well maybe he could find these bombs in a mission the government titled "Find The Frenchman's Armpit".

Johnny: What are you smelling, Dave?

Dave: {Sniffing.) Ah, the usual putrid odor of this town. (Phone rings.) We’re getting a lot of calls for this being an unlisted superheroy number. Hello?

Badguyman: Hello, Dave. It's Badguyman; I hear you're trying to stop my evil doings. Well, quit it!

Dave: No, I’m going to find you!

Badguyman: Are not!

Dave: Uh, are too.

Badguyman: Are not!

Dave: Are too!

Badguyman: Are not to infinity!

Dave: Are too to infinity, plus one!

Badguyman: Oh, blast it all! I just wanted to destroy the world with no hassle for no apparent reason to anyone else but me, perhaps if someone just bothered to ask maybe they'd find out I had a bad childhood and all I really needed was to be loved… or something like that.

Dave: Alright. I’m going to get you, Bad Guy Man!

Badguyman: That's Mr. Badguyman to you, sir, and don't bother trying to find me cause I'm watching this show I've been wanting to see forever.

Dave: Oh, what is it?

Badguyman: What do you care? The point is: do not come to 305 East Potato Street and disturb me!

Dave: Really? How did you get this number?

Badguyman: That's for me and my friend at the phone company to know and for you to never find out!

Dave: So, it was your friend at the phone company?

Badguyman: What?! How did you know that? Oh!

Dave: Come now, Johnny! On we go to 305 East Potato Street to catch that bad guy… man.

Johnny: Let's just blatantly procrastinate and do a montage of us to a really bad song that has nothing to do with the show, though no one listening to this will understand what the montage is about because this is audio, not video.

Dave: Alright. (Montage). Wow, that montage sure was random! My favorite part is when I fought the dragon and saved Europe. Anyway, let’s get that villainy guy.

Act III: An Assortment of Other Dumb Things Happen and the Story Ends Unsatisfyingly

Narrator: Now Dave and Johnny are at the house surprisingly knocking on the door very politely like. (Knocking noise.)

Badguyman: Hello…. Dave! I told you not to interrupt me while I was watching Days of Our Li… I mean football….

Narrator: An insanely slender snow colored man stands in the doorway in pink pajamas

Dave: You’re weird looking.

Narrator: Just then Badguyman pulled out a jar with a very wet sock inside.

Dave: What's that?

Badguyman: This, Dave, is a normal cotton sock, drenched in eight gallons of Rosie O Donnell's horrible disgusting SWEAT.

Dave: No, no, NO! Wait, how did you get the sweat?

Narrator: Then Badguyman broke the jar on the ground and the stench went to Dave's nose, you see for a normal person this intense odor would merely make them vomit for several hours in disgust, but for a person with heightened smelling powers like Dave it is quite deadly.

Dave: Help me Johnny!

Johnny: Well, what do you want from me, man? I'm a sidekick; I'm just kind of here for teenage appeal, I never actually do anything significant.

Dave: Oh right, I forgot… I'm dying!

Narrator: Oh, this is ridiculous, I know I'm the narrator and I'm not supposed to interact with the characters but Dave you stupid, stupid idiot why don't you just fly away!

Dave: Why didn’t I think of that… it is pretty obvious. (Flying away noise.)

Narrator: Then Dave flew away into the sky; will he ever stop Badguyman? Can you believe this is going to end with another cliché radio cliffhanger ending? Find out on the next moderately exiting episode of The Misadventures of Dave! Attention: This show has been cancelled do to lack of interest, coming up next: Dancing with Bears!

Script copyright 2009, Austin Aeschliman