Illinoise

by Insane Ian

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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Insane Ian's 5th studio album, written between 2016 and 2021 (aka the first five years he lived in Illinois). A portion of the sales of this album goes to the American Heart Association in the name of Ernie Fowler (RIP), and to the Trevor Project, the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    Physical CD of Illinoise featuring cover art by Lar DeSouza and photo by Tyler Core Shoots. 4 panel digipak case, sealed in plastic.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Illinoise via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 7 days

      $12 USD or more 

     

  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 39 Insane Ian releases available on Bandcamp and save 70%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Illinoise, Illinoise in Illinois (Live at FuMPFeST 2021), Vaccine Day (Go Get Vaccinated), The Sex Training EP, REVIEWSICALS, D.A.M.N., Just a Pasty White Dude in Shorts (Live from FuMPFeST 2019), Live from FuMPFeST 2017 (feat. TV's Kyle), and 31 more. , and , .

    Purchasable with gift card

      $55.20 USD or more (70% OFF)

     

1.
[1] It's another show. Another grand opening. You look up to the stage and you see me, now you're nope-ening. Who's this nerdy white dude with his chubby dad bod? Rapping over beats that he's playing on his iPod? My God, who is this guy? What weirdo did they find? Press your ear against this speaker so I that can blow your mind. Just a 40-year old nerd who never acts his age So please do me a favor: come up closer to the stage Unless it's my demeanor that you're finding quite unsettlin' I promise not to bite...hard. Ladies?...Gentlemen? Everybody’s welcome, doesn’t matter where you’re comin’ from All that I will ask is if you’re ready to have lots of fun So come get some, and make some noise, it's really super easy And if you like what you see, could you maybe buy a CD? I got ‘em at the merch booth, it’s not that far a trek But you can do it later, this is my sound check [Chorus] It’s a Grand Opening, you gotta start with me I’m just the opener, maybe not who you wanna see I’m here to set you up and knock you out and that’s a fact A Grand Opening from this opening act [2] I know you’re only here to see the other bands It’s not like I need fans (but I could really use some fans) Now you don’t have to worry, I’m not up here long (By the way did I mention you can find me on Patreon?) I’m here to warm you up as I rap and dance and sing If no one pays attention, well it’s kinda embarrassing But here’s the thing: I’m used to it. Occasionally I’ll bomb. Did a show for three people once, and one was my mom! Well, that’s my lot in life I don’t mean to be a whiner. Always a Bridesmaid, never a Headliner. But what could be finer than to entertain you? Performing while you order drinks is just what I do! As the opening act, I get such little respect But I’m the only one on stage now, last time I checked And all those other acts that you came here to see? I'm not opening for them, THEY'RE CLOSING FOR ME! [Spoken] Actually...that’s not true at all. Please don’t tell them I said that. I really need this gig. [Chorus] It’s a Grand Opening, you gotta start with me I’m just the opener, maybe not who you wanna see I’m here to set you up and knock you out and that’s a fact A Grand Opening from this opening act It’s a Grand Opening, I’ll make you love me I’m just the opener, maybe not who you came to see But I hope you like my set and I make an impact My name is Insane Ian, I’m your opening act
2.
Doctor Who 03:00
They call me Dr. Who. Allons-y. How are you? I'm Dr. Who. I'm interested in things. I am a real doctor, But my name's not Dr Who; Everyone calls me The Doctor. I live in a box. I like to save the world. I think I'm getting good, But I can handle criticism. I'll show you what I know, And you can tell me if you think I'm getting good at world saving. I leave the TARDIS un-locked 'cause there Is no doorbell When I get into it I can't tell if you are Waiting for me to ReGen. When I get the signal, I will Crank out a sweet gui-tar solo! Some day somebody else besides me will Call me by my real name, but they Call me Dr. Who. Allons-y how are you, I'm Dr. Who I'm interested in things. My name's not Dr. Who, But I am a real Time Lord; I am an actual Time Lord. I live in a box. I like to save the world. I think I'm getting good, But I can handle criticism. I'll show you what I know, And you can tell me if you think I'm getting good at world saving. My name is just The Doctor, But they call me Dr. Who!
3.
1) Summertime and the livin’s easy But the air is not-so breezy Hate to tell you but I’m not the one Who ever thought that summertime could be fun ‘Cause the air’s so hot and thick And to me all my clothes just stick All the kids are out of school And the little ones just pee’d in the wave pool (pre-Chorus) Inside my car’s like an oven Can’t grip the wheel without some gloves and I think 3 months is too long So I went and I wrote this song! (Chorus) This is a Summer Time Jam For all you summer time fans That’s not exactly what I am Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! This is a Summer Time Jam For all the summer time fans Of which I don’t understand Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! 2) I can’t stand the summer months Gotta hide from all the bugs They chase me when I mow the lawn And I just hate the cicada phenomenon I spend all day drenched in sweat They haven’t made a beach that’s fun yet I’m no good at the summer sports And I blind everyone when I wear shorts (pre-chorus) Theme parks, are you kidding me? They got lines like the DMV! (Chorus) This is a Summer Time Jam For all you summer time fans That’s not exactly what I am Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! This is a Summer Time Jam For all the summer time fans Of which I don’t understand Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! (Bridge) Mosquitoes, and beetles, And chlorine up my nose The bees and fleas, Oh help me please I’m so hot and tired Deodorant’s expired Got pit stains and neck sweat and that’s not the worst yet At night you’ve got bats and swamp ass, AND SWAMP ASS! (dude, summer’s almost over!) (Chorus) This is a Summer Time Jam I hate the summer time, man Every crack is filled with sand! Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! This is a Summer Time Jam Can’t stand these summer time plans Rather have AC and a fan! Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh This is a Summer Time Jam For all you summer time fans That’s not exactly what I am Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! This is a Summer Time Jam For all the summer time fans Of which I don’t understand Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh! Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
4.
Blank Page 03:07
[Spoken] All the nerdcore rappers on YouTube do serious songs about anime. Maybe I should try one? Nice to meet you, let me introduce myself Name is Light Yagami, say it just how it’s spelled I’m still in school and even tho the grade I’m in is twelve I’ve got the drive and the IQ, I will change the world See I found this weird book, now it belongs to me I touched it and saw a creature called a Shinigami His name is Ryuk and it seems he is a God of Death And when your name’s scrawled in his book you’ll take your final breath So now I’ll use this book to make the world a better place Wipe out the criminals with all their names on every page With this power I will now become just like a God Even tho I wear the clothes that look like Spongebob’s But killing villains isn’t as simple as it would seem And now I have a famous detective searching for me I’m too damn smart for L, I will not be defeated I take a chip...and I eat it! (eat it!) 'Cause I’m young and a genius I'll take this way too far I'll leave you breathless Or just attack your heart Got a long list of ex-convicts They'll tell you I'm insane But I've got a blank page, baby And I'll write your name [Spoken] wait...that got a little too silly there at the end. Let me try this. Now L is hunting me, he thinks that I’m the Kira I met him and he’s like me, only kinda weirder He likes coffee with his sugar, man is into sweets His pic ain’t on the ‘net, he’s always in his bare feets! So now I’m on the taskforce, trying to catch myself Living that double life, no one suspects me here but L And now I have a girlfriend, she has a Death Note too Started as a copycat ‘cause she wants Kira as her boo I feel the heat is on, there is nowhere to hide To get them off my trail I let them lock me up inside So me and Misa aren’t just giving up all of the facts Erased our memories conveniently so just relax And Misa’s Shinigami - loves her so desperately I tricked them into killing L, for her but mostly me Even Jack the Ripper - signed all his notes “From Hell” Think you may have caught me but it’s time you take the L! 'Cause I’m young and a genius I'll take this way too far I'll leave you breathless Or just attack your heart Got a long list of betrayers They'll tell you I'm insane But I've got a blank page, baby And I'll write your name So now that L is gone, what is there left to fear? I’ll keep it Mello no enemies are even Near I’ve made a New World Order, now Kira reigns supreme Unless you piss me off I’ve got your name, know what I mean? So just keep me happy, you don’t want me pissed Hope I don’t use the Death Note for my shopping list And in the background, my Shinigami, he cackles So just tell me, buddy, how do you like them apples? So I’m gonna rule forever Or I’m gonna go down in flames You can tell me when it's over If the high was worth the pain Got a long list of mafia members They'll tell you I'm insane 'Cause you know I love being Kira And you love the game 'Cause I’m young and a genius I'll take this way too far I'll leave you breathless Or just attack your heart Got a long list of betrayers They'll tell you I'm insane But I've got a blank page, baby And I'll write your name
5.
Delivery Boy 03:25
Start it up, ‘cause I’ve got a job to do My day begins at a quarter to the crack of noon And then soon I’ll bring you all sorts of stuff to chew Never thought I’d have this kinda job at 42 Work where? Well I don’t wanna be rude Drop the name of my job and I might be sued But to be fair I guess I’ll spare you a simple name clue: The German word for “Over”, and what you do to food Anyway, that’s to say the name is weirdly kinda true But it doesn’t matter ‘cause this platter is just for you Order on the app, take a nap, it’ll arrive soon You could go yourself instead *I’m* waiting in the drive thru Finish up then I’ll bring these treats to you Rack of ribs or a sausage pizza too Then I’m out, more deliveries I gotta do No scenarios ‘cause this is not a porn shoot Chorus: Delivering all these flows on the beat Just so I can bring you all you can eat When you see me zooming down to your street You know I’m delivering something savory or sweet Order up all the food you enjoy Foot long subs or a tub of bok-choy Bringing it to you if you’re in Illinois It’s my job I’M A DELIVERY BOY For your order, I’m a jedi master No one else will ever bring it to you faster Brought it to your door, please be sure to tip me after I’m the one who drove 20 minutes for your pasta Speaking of, take a minute, think this over Why order ice cream any month after October? I don’t really mind the time to be your meal’s chauffeur But it wouldn’t melt if came from somewhere closer In the mood for some food that’s so delicious? Don’t want to cook yourself or have to do the dishes? Baby I can bring it no matter what your wish is Just so long as you remember to update your address I’m serious, I’m not being rhetorical ‘Cause when I’m walking with your meal down through your corridor To your apartment delivering your order ya Call me minutes later just to say that you’re in Florida Chorus: Delivering all these flows on the beat Just so I can bring you all you can eat When you see me zooming down to your street You know I’m delivering something savory or sweet Order up all the food you enjoy Foot long subs or a tub of bok-choy Bringing it to you if you’re in Illinois It’s my job I’M A DELIVERY BOY That’s not to say this job is super easy That the whole rigmarole is so light and breezy Sometimes it leaves me feeling kinda queasy And not just because all the food is really greazy Like when I’m tryin to locate your address And the GPS has got me stressed Goin’ south on North St., then East St. headin West Sayin’ “make a u-turn” when I should just turn left! Inanimate object got me feelin’ so hostile I gotta say it drives me crazy something awful I wish it had a neck so I could strangle it and throttle When it mispronounces Chipotle as ‘Chi-pottle’ Nevermind all the time I’m spendin’ in my whip Havin’ to backtrack ‘cause they didn’t give me your chips So I get back in my car and I take another trip Just to get your whole meal while you give half a tip. Chorus: Delivering all these flows on the beat Just so I can bring you all you can eat When you see me zooming down to your street You know I’m delivering something savory or sweet Order up all the food you enjoy Foot long subs or a tub of bok-choy Bringing it to you if you’re in Illinois It’s my job I’M A DELIVERY BOY
6.
[Hook: Carrie Dahlby - singing] + (Insane Ian) You know it's hard out here for a temp (it ain’t steady work) When you tryin’ to get this money for the rent (it ain’t steady work) For the gas and electric money spent (it ain’t steady work) Can't even save up for retirement (it ain’t steady work) You know it's hard out here for a temp (it ain’t steady work) Can’t get paid under the table, tax exempt (it ain’t steady work) On the W2 don’t get skimped (it ain’t steady work) Be sure to itemize every dependant (it ain’t steady work) [Insane Ian] In my days I done lots of crazy thangs as a job But workin’ as a temp’s like runnin’ errands for the mob ‘Cause workin’ for this agency, ain’t fill me with complacency I’m pretty sure I’m phonin’ for a fake university Done made people pissed, ‘cause they were on my list They told me they ain’t sign up for this place that don’t exist But that's just how it is, the temp work in this biz It might be news to you, but it's been like this for years It's just like I had feared, the job was endin’ quick I'm tryin to get rich 'fore I leave up out this sitch’ I'm tryin to get paid but it's hard fo' a temp When after two weeks the whole job would just end, yeah [Hook: Carrie Dahlby] You know it's hard out here for a temp (it ain’t steady work) Every job has got you wond’rin’ when it ends (it ain’t steady work) Ain’t a whole lot on which you can depend (it ain’t steady work) And it’s hard to keep a circle of work friends (it ain’t steady work) You know it's hard out here for a temp (it ain’t steady work) When you tryin’ to get this paycheck for the rent (it ain’t steady work) All the time on the training that you spent (it ain’t steady work) Just to have all the workers jumpin’ ship (it ain’t steady work) [Insane Ian] Man it seems like I'm doin new jobs everyday Still workin’ as a temp ‘cause I gotta stay paid I don’t think I’m gonna stay at this new place anymo’ It was just a two day gig now they’re showin’ me the do’ I’m never at one long enough to get insurance I do so many things that I’ll never find my purpose One week I’m data entry, another I’m on phones A third week cataloging all the escrow on your homes Wait I got sweet new gig with an ad agency I finished all my work but they’re still payin’ me That's the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly tempin’ Gotta have my hustle tight, makin’ change off the system, yeah [Hook: Carrie Dahlby] You know it's hard out here for a temp (it ain’t steady work) When you tryin’ to get this money for the rent (it ain’t steady work) Gotta scrape to-gether every cent (it ain’t steady work) Because the work only lasted a minute (it ain’t steady work) You know it's hard out here for a temp (it ain’t steady work) When you tryin’ to get this paycheck for the rent (it ain’t steady work) You get settled then suddenly it ends (it ain’t steady work) May as well work for the government (it ain’t steady work)
7.
That Guy 03:09
I’m gonna party all night long (baby baby baby baby) Tonight the concert goes ‘til dawn (baby baby baby baby) Can’t wait to see the band perform (baby baby baby baby) I got a brand new t-shirt on (baby baby baby baby) The music starts, the bass is loud I make my way through the crowd Then suddenly, all eyes on me But why is just a mystery They point and laugh, and I feel shame Did someone here just call me lame? I wish that they would simply stop But they keep laughing at my top Every body here is saying I am “That Guy” (I am just wearin’ a shirt of the band I came to see. That Guy!) I don’t know what it means to be “That Guy” (I am just showin’ support for the band I came to see. Woo!) I’m watching my fav’rite new show (baby baby baby baby) They film it live in studio (baby baby baby baby) I get dressed up so I can go (baby baby baby baby) Had no clue my t-shirt would glow (baby baby baby baby) The lights go out, I feel their gaze My top’s lit up just like a blaze The cast yells “cut”, they stop the show ‘Cause I’m a blinding show logo Every person here is calling me “That Guy” (Just cause I’m wearin’ a shirt of the show I came to see. That Guy!) I don’t know what it means to be “That Guy” (I always wear this shirt when I watch it on TV. Woo!) Maybe I shouldn’t dress so darn lazy, ooh no But my wardrobe is just jeans and shirts Sorry I wear all these logos on me, ooh yeah Being a fan takes lots of work But as I was walking yesterday A space ship took me far away And you won’t believe what they said to me All the aliens are calling me “That Guy” (Just because my shirt has a picture of their ship. That Guy!) How’d they know what it means to be “That Guy”? (Can’t believe my shirt’s on an interstellar trip! Woo!) Guess it’s my destiny to be “That Guy” (They’re all wondering how the picture’s so detailed. Of them!) I will roam the galaxy, known as “That Guy” (‘Cause to the human race their face was not unveiled! Woo!)
8.
Hufflepuffs 03:21
[Hook] I rock rough and stuff with my Hufflepuffs (HEY!) Rock on, wit cha fair self I rock rough and stuff with my Hufflepuffs (HEY!) Rock on, wit cha loyal self [Verse 1] I rock on with myself cause I’m Hufflepuff It's the Hogwarts house still kickin up dust So umm, let me loosen up my house robes And umm, let me drop this near your ear lobes Cause I'mma break it down to the nitty-gritty one time When it comes to the spells I gets busy with mine Don’t mean to boast, I’ve come to roast Every house ghost and wizard from coast to coast Hufflepuffs ain’t the ones to brag, son We’ll help you open up the egg of a dragon We’re the house that's just and loyal, we’re unafraid of toil Bound to foil Crabbe and Goyle and all they plan to spoil Our emblem is the badger, often underestimated We fight to protect, we’re never intimidated You mess with one of us and we’ll test your luck ‘Cause honey badgers just don’t give a Hufflepuff [Hook] [Verse 2] Hittin’ MC's with Expelliarmus This disarming charm will leave ‘em harmless Their jimmie’s we rustle, our magic’s our muscle, Always tryin’ to prove that you can’t knock the Huffle They say that a Hufflepuff will make the best spouse And we’ve never had a dark wizard come from our house We’re cautious smart wizards and we’re down for whatever And we’re better at Herbology than Potions with Sever-us The clever-est, never fuss with things outside our grasp We’re so intelligent…but get all the Bs in the class So we might not be as clever as the others all along We never even brag, well other than this song We don’t need accolades, we always lose with grace There’s no such thing as shame for only getting second place When it comes to wizarding, we’re really quite mellow Rep’ the house in black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow [Hook] [Verse 3] When it comes to the Huffle, we Puffs know what’s subtle Never tell on a wizard if they might be half muggle We’re loyal and trustworthy, we’ll help you in a hurry Never worry, ‘cause surely, we’ll defend you with fury And when it comes to parties? We know what’s kickin’. A Huffle party’s bitchin’ ‘cause we’re right next to the kitchen We’re itchin’ for a good time, we’re known to laugh and sing And like the muggle Spike we always Do the Right Thing We’ll defend to the end Hogwarts friends and bring the peace And help catalogue where to find fantastic beats We’ll finish every fight, but we’re not known to start one Maybe that’s why they say our house is the smart one But we like games too. We’re not all about business Though it’d be really nice if our house was good at Quidditch Whether seeker or keeper, it’s always lots of fun But we’ve got 99 problems and a snitch is one [Hook]X2
9.
“How’s it going, dude”, lemme tell you a story ‘Bout two grumpy dudes on a couch in Californy Just sittin’ playing games, both awesome and lame Arin and Danny are the grumpy gamers’ names They’re both the same height, but to poor Arin’s plight Whenever they’re drawn he’s always smaller in size Anyway, they’re playing games the other day When suddenly, Arin spills all his energy Drink all into his console And before Dan can call him an irresponsible asshole The screen gets all fuzzy and it makes a weird noise The TV then swallowed up both of the boys! Now they’re inside the game & have to use all their skills As a warning shines above them saying “Just Don’t Get Killed” Arin was wary, but Danny knew the deal “If you die in the game, you die for real!” I am the video game boy I am the one who wins With my best friend, Mr Business We ‘ll defeat all the games from all the Wii discount bins! The duo discovers that the world they’ve uncovered Is made from all the games that they have played with each other They both have to rush so that they are not crushed By a Fortune Wheel with seven “Lose A Turn”s in a bunch Monopoly money rains down from the sky While Ganon from Gamelon says “You Must Die” Arin and Danny knew they just had to flee Watching a Wolfjob from Updog ain’t what you wanna see They’re careful not to enter Call of Duty: Shoot a Man When suddenly they stop and see “Hey, Big Zam” “What’s the point of this game?” Arin hasn’t a clue There’s no tutorial to tell him what to do Besides he’d ignore it, oh you know that is true When the sky simply asks “Now Write A Haiku” “Man Door Hand Hook Car Door” “Dude I’m Gonna Pre” ‘It’s Snowing on Mt. Fugi” I am the video game boy I am the one who wins With my skills you’ll never defeat me Why do some people draw me having multiple chins? With the haiku defeated our heroes move on Syllables were inverted, they knew all along It was 6, 5, 7, no wait, that’s still wrong Oh well it doesn’t matter, on with the song! Danny and Arin knew they had to act fast With their health running low there’s no way they would last But then boss music started, (“whoa bosses”) I swear that it did They got PTSD when they played Battle Kid Then the boss had arrived it was MARK ZUCKERBERG No, not the real person, just a rock of those words Arin picked up a stick, and said with a cry “I’m the video game boy, I choose you to die!” So they smashed up the name, they had finally won! Then were transported home, now the episodes done That’s the end of this song, and even tho it was goofy You can listen again, when you find it on “SPOOFY” I am the video game boy I am the one who wins With my best friend Mr Business We defeat all the games that we now find ourselves in! I am the video game boy I am the one who wins I’m Grump and he is Not So Grump But you can call us Game Grumps or just Dan and Arin!
10.
“Covering Africa” A parody of “Africa” by Toto (David Paich, Jeff Porcaro) New lyrics by Ian Bonds (Inspired by Patton Oswalt and the fact that there are TOO MANY COVERS of Toto's hit song, here's...this thing.) I hear the synth starting up again Imitating horns against an old familiar melody I start to sing along and then realize another band is now performing karaoke Checked the Shazam app on my phone Hoping to find out who is covering this song so lazily It looks to me and then explodes "Sorry, boy, there’s too many to choose" It's gonna take a lot to listen to another one It's something that a hundred bands or more have also done I hear the strains of Toto’s Africa Should’ve taken time to cover songs we never hear I walk into a grocery store And suddenly I'm living one of Patton Oswalt's stand up bits It's 11:30 in the morn Sure as the muzak system overhead plays some cheesy 80s hits I’m contemplating suicide Frightened of this song I can’t escape It's gonna take a lot to choose a Lean Cuisine Then suddenly I feel like making this a crime scene I’ll blow my brains out to “Africa” Should’ve taken time to cover songs we never hear "Sorry, boy, there’s too many to choose" It's gonna take a lot to listen to another one It's something that a hundred bands or more have also done I hear the strains of Toto’s Africa I hear the strains of Weezer’s Africa (I hear the strains) I hear the strains of a metal Africa (Aaaah hear the strains) I hear the strains of Pitbull’s Africa I much prefer NSP’s Africa (Aaaa gonna take some time) Should’ve taken time to cover songs we never hear
11.
1) Well we dated Long ago You said my devotion was sweet So how was I to know? That when you moved in you’d be so appalled At my room ‘cause your pictures covered my walls So you packed up your shit and ran out the door Then I was left all alone with my stuff I gotta say it was pretty rough And I’m stuuuuuuuumped for what comes next because Chorus: What do I do with all these pictures of you? Everywhere that I turn you’re always in my view How can I move on? It’s like you’re not even gone All I can do is fawn over Pictures of You 2) I can’t donate them To Goodwill They just take the frames And give me back the stills (I don’t want those back) Why’d we break up? Well, I’m not sure Something about me being immature Well, I don’t get that, but you’re a poopy head Then I got me a master plan I’ll fix the pictures with this pen in my hand And I knoooooooow I’m feeling better cause Chorus: I’m drawing on all these pictures of you Everywhere that I turn I see someone new Now I’m moving on Look at what I’ve drawn So many eyepatches on these Pictures of You Pictures of You-ou-ou Bridge: And then one day I was walking to the comic book store I looked up and I saw my own face right there on a billboard My hair was all awkward And I was there in my boxers for all to seeeeee, no no no! Chorus: I can’t believe what you did to these Pictures of Me And you displayed them all in a gallery! You used me like a prop How can I get you to stop You cheated & used photoshop on these Pictures of Me! Pictures of me-e-e! Pictures of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Pictures of me.
12.
KANG! 02:51
I got caught with the box after called “puny God” Then got ripped outta time by the TVA squad Been a hell of a ride but I'm hearing the bells start to toll (Clang! Clang! Clang!) So I tried to escape, got a suit, lost my cape And I’m told that I’ll die ‘lest I stop this mistake There’s a variant me that I think I might want to bone? (Bang! Bang! Bang!) (Here we go) So who’s the one behind Time Keepers? Who drops the clues for all comic readers? You rang? He’s the One that Remains (Kang! Kang! Kang!) I'm way too smart to trust such a liar I'm way too dumb to not be fooled by her Let’s hang (boo thang) With The Conqueror, Kang! (Kang! Kang! Kang!) Feel like I'm gonna puke 'cause the timeline is screwed Do I fix all this now or wait ‘til season 2? Been a hell of a ride but my purpose is glorious (Kang! Kang! Kang!) (Multiverse) Man, it’s all confusing (all confusing) We’ve made a giant mess, I feel like we’re losing (like we’re losing) It’s causing me some stress 'Cause my friends don’t know me (they don’t know me) So what do I do next Yeah, tell me what is next Just tell me (Here we go) So drop your sword, and let him finish I'll freak out if I see Miss Minutes Again (Again) ‘Cause she working for Kang (Kang! Kang! Kang!) He’s way too calm to be that evil If he’s so strong can’t wait for his equal Oh Kang (Oh Kang) Where’s your variant gang? (Kang! Kang! Kang!) (Kang! Kang! Kang!) Been a hell of a time but this Nexus Event sure blows So put your faith into every Loki That someday this will be okey dokey ‘Til then We’ll just hang out with Kang (Kang! Kang! Kang!) (Here we go) So place your bets on who’s gonna stop him My money’s set to bet on the Wasp and Scott Lang (Scott Lang) Will next meet up with Kang (Kang! Kang! Kang!) I'm way too hype to wait for forever I just can’t wait to learn all the clever New slang (new slang) With more versions of Kang (Kang! Kang! Kang!) (Here we go) (Kang! Kang!)
13.
Our department has a meeting today But Corey can't even And he won't listen to what our boss will say Cause Corey can't even There’s no more ink in the fax machines And Corey can’t even And he won't ever tell me what it means When Corey can’t even Corey can’t Even deal with it He can’t even say what Corey can’t Even with this shit He’s completely lost the ability to even They ran out of ketchup at the McyDs And Corey can’t even And you refused a vaccine for that disease And Corey can’t even Playstation network is down again And Corey can’t even And the world blew up and now everyone’s dead And Corey can’t even Corey can’t Even, not at all I’m telling you that Corey can’t Even, he’s too appalled He is literally incapable to even They took away McRib again Hair is nothing but split ends Got a splinter in his thumb Coworkers are acting dumb Hero foiled his master plan Ring came off his pudding can Godzilla showed up today Car blew up like Michael Bay He can’t even, She can’t even We can’t even, They can’t even You can’t even, I can’t even Just can’t even, Can not even! And Corey’s completely unable to even! Corey can’t even, no no X4 Corey can’t Even, no he can’t He endeavors to can but Corey can’t Even, he won’t adapt He’s the little engine that simply can’t even! Corey can’t even, no no X2
14.
Mr. Yuletide 03:42
Coming out of the sleigh and you’d better watch out Gotta box by the tree, you know I want them all It started out as one gift, now it’s become a whole list It was only one gift, it was only one gift Now he’s making a list and he's checking it twice And he’s gonna find out who’s been naughty or nice Now I’m nestled in bed, for my long winter’s nap Sugar plums in my head, but he sees when you Sleep now, knows when you’re Awake now, let it snow And I just can't wait, it's killing me He’s coming to town Christmas eve, somehow Saint Nick’s watching me Sleeping ‘til the morning light, choking down some pumpkin pie Now it's fin’ly Christmas day, family is calling me Open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr. Yuletide I'm coming out of my room and you won’t guess what I saw Gotta, gotta be mom, she’s kissing Santa Claus It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now they think I’m asleep so she's got mistletoe But I’m having a peep and she's kissing his nose Now I’m coming down stairs and my stomach is sick Could this be an affair? And she's tick’ling his Beard now, this is getting Weird now, I should go 'Cause I just can't look, it's killing me Damn that mistletoe Can it be? I caught them under the tree Laughing at each other’s jokes, hope those cookies make you choke Then he pulled off his own beard, turns out it was just my dad He was wearing a disguise, 'cause he’s Mr. Yuletide It’s Christmas…(x4)
15.
[Spoken] Rise and shine, beautiful. I’ve got a big day planned... Good morning gorgeous Hope you enjoyed the coitus That we shared in my bed, (Yeah!) All. Last. Night. (You know it was awesome) Get up and get dressed (because you’re so very naked) So we can have some breakfast, ‘cause Now it is time for you and me to go compete And then we’ll eat all we can eat I bet I can eat more waffles than you! So that’s what I’m gonna do! Waffles are the most perfect food! And I’ve got a lot to prove! This interlude Seems to have you confused, baby It’s real simple. Y’see WAFFLES RULE (They’re better than pancakes) Each little gap (they kinda look like my abs) Is a butter and syrup trap, so Clear your schedule and hide that hickey Cause it’s time for you and me to get sticky I bet I can eat more waffles than you! So let the contest begin! Waffles are my favorite food! And there’s no way you’ll win! Won't listen to pancake chatter They're like waffles but they're flatter And they both use the same batter But to me that doesn't matter Waffle carbs give staying power Unlike last night I’ll last for hours Eggs, and milk, sugar, flour Builds a tasty Eiffel Tower Add the syrup, melt the butter Sticky-ness makes my heart flutter Get your mind out of the gutter [Spoken] Oh wait, you’ve started? Gotta catch up! One waffle down! Two waffles down! Three...oh god, why’d they have to be Belgian?! I bet I can (gah) waffles than you! Just give me another shot! I can’t believe I’ve only had two! This is tougher than I thought! [Spoken] OH GOD!
16.
Transylvanian highway, bats fly through the air I think I see a zombie rising up over there Up ahead in the distance, a castle just appeared I hear the howling of a werewolf now This just keeps getting weird They say that’s where they took her After our Wedding Bells And I was thinking to myself "I could be walking straight into Hell" Then I whipped out a candle, bag of coins just fell out Didn’t think this could get much stranger Then the mermen shout Welcome to this Castle, Castlevania It’s spectacula (Spectacular) Home of Dracula Plenty of room in the Dungeon, Castlevania Just stay for the night (Just stay for the night) Or perhaps a bite His mind is totally twisted, and his best friend is Death (unh) He got a lot of ugly, ugly guards, with real bad breath How they float through the courtyard, sweet, now I’m dead That’s not what I meant by “wanting a little head” So I broke open wall bricks Roast chicken inside I said, "This tastes like it’s been sitting here since fourteen sixty nine" And still I don’t see how this could be much worse Now it’s dark, What a horrible night Just to have a curse Welcome to the Castle, Castlevania Let me crouch here (I can crouch here) A whirlwind appears They livin' it up in the town by Castlevania What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise) The townspeople lie! Now I’m on the ceiling The whole castle has flipped (And now I) have to go through all this again, just to get to his crypt And in the master's chambers I gathered his body parts I’d burn them to reverse the curse But I just don’t have the heart Last thing I remember He asked me “What is a Man?” Threw his goblet as he called me names, so I kicked his butt and ran "Sure," said the ferryman "I’ll take you to a good place But Drac will be back every couple years. This plot you will retrace!”

about

Insane Ian's 5th studio album, written between 2016 and 2021 (aka the first five years he lived in Illinois). A portion of the sales of this album goes to the American Heart Association in the name of Ernie Fowler (RIP), and to the Trevor Project, the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.

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released December 3, 2021

All songs written by Ian Bonds. Produced, mixed, and mastered by Ben Stahl. For individual song credits, see each song.

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Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

Insane (adj): shocking, outrageous

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God" - Dr Demento

“If you like video games and hiphop and you don't listen to Insane Ian...You're. Missing. Out.” - Mikey Mason (on The Funny Music Podcast)

"...the guy who's an even-geekier heir to the Weird Al throne..." - Jay Hathaway (URLesque)

Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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