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Rules of the Road

from Internet Famous by Insane Ian

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Once I got my driver's license, something occurred to me. This will be how I lose my hair: by tearing it out from the idiot drivers I see on the roads all the time. Jim Steinman writes such epic songs for Meat Loaf, and the car imagery is usually an allusion to sexuality.

In this case...it's an allusion to actual cars.


[Male driver]:
The air is cool in the morning light
As I start another day
I grab my keys, put on my tie
And I start to drive away

The birds are singin’, and my coffee’s warm
As my engine comes alive
Not knowing of the impending storm
I merge on to 95

I pull into the middle lane and I can’t believe my eyes
A sea of fools who desperately need to learn how to drive

The grandma in the passing lane, tailgater behind a truck
That guy is on his cell phone weaving through traffic like a schmuck
And here I sit, just watching them on my way to work
And I pray to God I don’t get hit by some dumb thoughtless jerk

These are the Rules of the Road
Not many follow, history has shown
Follow the rules, follow the road
Chances are good that your car won’t explode
In a heaping, huddled, crumpled mass of severed limbs and chrome
And you’re sure to safely find your way back home.

I grip the wheel so cautiously
And check every blind spot
I look ahead and in front of me
Break lights are burnin’ hot

I strike my palm ‘gainst my forehead
And wince from the sharp pain
‘Cause some SUV fills me with dread
Turning right from the left lane!

I watch with unbelieving eyes, my stomach feeling sick
I hear horns blow as he tries to cross six lanes of traffic!

[Instrumental break – filled with car horns, screeching wheels, screaming drivers]

He didn't signal his lane change, just started drifting in
As all the drivers flipped him off, he simply waved and grinned
It's almost just as if he never looked back to see these cars
‘Cause objects in the rearview mirror appear clo-ser than they are

These are the Rules of the Road
So pay attention to how the traffic flows
Follow the road. Follow the rules.
Follow them both so your life you won’t lose
And watch out for those hazard lights that signal…

We gotta move all the way to the right
There’s only one lane, it’s open on the right (x4)

[Traffic reporter]: Good morning everybody, this is Detour Danny, your Traffic Nanny here in SkyChopper 106.3, and man, what a day it is today. If you're on 95 traffic has slowed to a crawl thanks to to a few motorists this morning who seem to have won their licenses from a box of cereal. Right now by the exit for Blanchfort Avenue, we have a Blue Nissan backing up, as it seems it just narrowly missed the off-ramp, so watch for on coming traffic if you're Northbound. Hang on, folks, I see something happening up ahead. Northbound on 95 by the 28 mile marker there appears to be a hatch back swerving in and out of the lanes. They're heading into the construction area ahead, where traffic is funneling into the only lane available. Folks, the driver doesn't see it up ahead. I think we're about to witness an accident...

[Crash noise]

[Female driver]:
How could I miss that, I should have seen the signs
Those bright flashing lights and double yellow lines
The guy in the bright orange vest
[Male driver]:
I would have seen that

[Female driver];
My dad will have a fit
Haven't paid this car off yet
[Male driver]:
At least she hit that SUV

[Female driver]:
Running on fumes and the sun was in my eyes
Dropped my cigarette right between my thighs
Hey, what the hell happened?
[Female driver]:
Hang on, I'll have to call you back!

Office I'm sorry this is a first
Left my license in my other purse
[Male and Female driver together]:
How could this day get much worse?

[Male driver]:
I could've been there by now
I should've been there by now (X4)

[Female driver]:
These are the Rules of the Road
So pay attention to how the traffic flows
I should have looked up, I should have slowed down
Get me right out of this God forsaken town!

[Male driver - simultaneous]:
We gotta move all the way to the right
There’s only one lane, it’s open on the right (x3)

[Male and Female drivers together]:
And watch out for those hazard lights and their reassuring glow

[Male driver]:
And you're sure to safely find your way back home


from Internet Famous, released November 11, 2014
Words and music by Ian Bonds and Ben Stahl
(with a line suggestion by Steve Dunn)
Male vocals by Insane Ian
Female vocals by The Stacey
Music and backing vocals performed by Ben Stahl
Traffic report voice over by Chris Mezzolesta
Voice on the phone by Tyson Stahl




Insane Ian Chicago, Illinois

Insane (adj): shocking, outrageous

"Insane Ian is a Comedy Rock God" - Dr Demento

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Comedy music and Nerdcore Hiphop, as heard on TheFuMP.com and the Dr Demento Show.
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