To all of you nerdcore people who have been going on for years about how the Atari 2600 is the greatest video game platform of the 1980's, all I have to say is 'You just keep telling yourself that'. Myself and over 3 million others know the glory that is the far superior 80's gaming platform of intelligent television, simply known as "Intellivision". This song came into existence with the help of Insane Ian, a video game store manager who not only hooked me up with a copy of "Intellivision Lives", but also wrote and performs the 4th verse of the song. Also joining in the fun are Devo Spice, ShoEboX of Worm Quartet, and Chris Mezzolesta of Power Salad, who mixed and mastered the track. So to all of you young'uns who have never heard of Intellivision, welcome to the ultimate video game Utopia.
Twas the month before Christmas. 1980.
My big sister Amy and kid brother J.T.
And I were all busy writing letters to Santa,
Hoping to get stuff from that jolly phantom.
Amy liked clothes, and J.T. liked cars,
And I liked cartoons, but agreement was ours
That the thing we all wanted most right where we are, we
All wanted a 2600 Atari.
All our friends had 'em, and they all had known
What it's like to have an arcade in your own home.
The big morning came, and we all laid our eyes
On our presents we opened to find a surprise!
[spoken:] Yes, yes, it's, it's… Noooo!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
How could they possibly screw this up?
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
I was six years old, saying "What the f-[bleep]?!"
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Soon I had to endure grade schooler retorts,
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Because my Mom and Dad read Consumer Reports.
[Insane Ian:] Ha ha! You controller looks like a phone!
[Devo Spice:] Should be called "StupidVision"!
[ShoEboX:] Oooh! A game system from the same company that makes Barbie!
At school I was picked on, got called names.
Since they all had Atari, I couldn't trade games.
Well I wasn't just going to sit around bored,
So I grabbed the controller with its curly cord.
Hit the circular disc you control with your thumb.
No joystick? I was like, this is dumb!
Where's the red button? They got nothin'!
Slide in this sheet for the keypad functions?
Tiny side buttons, you can barely smack that,
Just so I can play Las Vegas Poker and Blackjack?
Overall, the thing really smelled,
But I just had to play with the hand I was dealt.
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
No Combat, No Breakout, …No Pong.
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
I don't think my attention span will last long.
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
I wanted to run away to Puerto Rico.
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
If my parents were rich, we'd have bought a Coleco.
Playing Major League Baseball one day after class
With my 3 year old brother who was kicking my ass,
It suddenly dawned on me like morning sun;
I was playing Intellivision, and having fun!
My friends all said "Atari Baseball rocks!"
But all of their graphics looked like Lego blocks.
With crappy animation, the question begs,
How do you play baseball without moving legs?
Their color's atrocious, their sound effects stink.
Each new Mattel game changed the way that I think.
And soon I was raising my IntelliVoice,
Saying Mom and Dad made the right choice, motha-[boom!]
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Screw Atari, my gaming platform's supreme!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
You got one button? Man, we got sixteen!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
And to those who cry my intelligent rhymes,
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
You can byte me 2600 times!
Insane Ian, full of charm and tenacity, (Sir?)
Rock it like you did in Pudding Capacity!
Insane Ian: Yeah…
I’ll admit Atari invaded my home
Because Mattel started with attack of the clones!
The similar games you just couldn’t avoid.
Playing Space Hawk was like blastin’ Asteroids.
Remember Tempest? Well here’s Vectron!
And Beauty and The Beast played like Donkey Kong.
But Kool-Aid played better and was a thirst quencher,
And Swords and Serpents was way better than Adventure.
Soon new I.P.s and translations appeared.
Burgertime on anything else just played weird.
Space Armada, Worm Whomper, Ice Trek, all spectacular,
And what other game lets you play *AS* Dracula?
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Remember those commercials with my man, George Plimpton?
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
And all those cool games that he was straight pimpin’?
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
He said Star Strike had the best effects, damnit!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
'Cause it featured the total destruction of a planet!
I'll work the Deadly Disc like my name was Tron guy,
Catchin' lunch in Frog Bog, because [I'm so fly!]
Call in the Bomb Squad, and I'll be there in a flash,
'Cause I'll hit hyperspace in an Astrosmash!
Yeah, I'm a Night Stalker huntin' droids in the dark.
Don't fall through the Thin Ice, you'll be shouting "Shark! Shark!"
My B-17 Bomber always on the attack,
So don't cha gimmie no flack! {"Watch out for flack!}
Beat my score in Lock' N Chase? Don't make me laugh, you!
You're like a growing snake, caught in a Snafu!
Venture through a tower, playing hour after hour.
Like He-Man said, "I HAVE THE POWER!"
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Here's to 10 years of digital dangers!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
This is a shout out to the Blue Sky Rangers!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
But there's only one way this song can end-o,
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
'Cause my parents up and bought me an INTELLIVISION II!
It never ends! It keeps going on and on! It can't be stopped! It can't be killed! INTELLIVISION LIVES!
{The battle is over.}
credits
from fairly EPic,
track released August 28, 2009
Lyrics by Luke Sienkowski and Ian Bonds
Music by Luke Sienkowski
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